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I’ll see you on Tuesday!
There was this teacher who taught 5th grade History at a little school in little suburbia. Every Friday at the end of class, she would speak a famous quote and ask the class with “Who said that?” Whoever the first student who answered correctly was told they could skip class on Monday. There was a very smart Mexican girl named Esmerelda. She was the smartest girl in the class and always was the one who answered correctly. However, she NEVER took advantage of skipping class the following Monday. She enjoyed feeling superior to her fellow students and loved being the teacher’s pet. This really annoyed a boy named Billy. So, Friday rolls around again and at the end of class the Teacher say, “Alright class. ‘It’s a small step for man. A giant leap for mankind.’ Who said that?” Esmeralda raises her hand immediately and says, “Neil Armstrong”. Billy immediately shouts “Fuck the Mexicans!” The teacher, not believing what she just heard, stands up and demands “Who said that?!?!?” Billy stands up and says, “Donald Trump!” He then gathered his belongings, walked towards the door and before opening it and exiting, turns to his teacher and says… “I’ll see you on Tuesday!”
Dog names
Actual dog names: Luke short for Lucca Brassi - mastiff Max short for Maxwell Rockatansky - Malinois Snake short for Snake Plissken - Husky
As I was paying the cashier for my Christmas tree,...
...he asked, “Are you going to put that up yourself?” I said, “No, I’m putting it up in the living room.”
I just found some cannabis oil in one of my kids room.
How many rocket launchers can I trade it for ?
What did Clarence Carter say when he was feeling numb on the left side of his body and was losing his balance and slurring his speech?
I be strokin’!
Putin and Lavrov are going hunting..
Putin and Lavrov go hunting. Suddenly wild ducks appear in front of them. Putin fires several shots at the ducks as fast as he can, but misses every single one... Lavrov sees this, crosses himself and comments : Oi a miracle. Dead, but they fly. Edit : Translated and adjusted from serbian.
A young monk walks into a collection agency and asks if they are hiring.
Puzzled, the owner wonders as to why he would want to work here, as opposed to the usual route of spending years at a monastery, meditating to reach nirvana as was tradition. The monk responds that he truly seeks enlightenment, yet he learned of a trick to speed up the process. Intrigued, he told him to come with him as he was heading to a stake out, to recover a car that missed many months of car payments. The monk seemed very pleased and eager, quickly following the owner to the tow truck. While they were sitting, waiting for the car, he asked "so what is this time-saving trick you are referring to?" The monk replied, I found out that >!The easiest way to earn karma, was to spend time participating in *Repo-Sting* operations!<
Mick buys himself a Harley Davidson…
Before he rides off on it, the dealer tells him that if it rains he should put vaseline on all of the chrome parts to preserve the look. Mick takes his girlfriend to her parents’ house for dinner on the Harley. When they arrive, his girlfriend says that they do not speak at the dinner table during dinner, in fact the first person to say anything has to do the dishes. At dinner, Mick decides to test this and grabs his girlfriend’s boob - silence. He then stands up, bends her over the table and starts shagging her in front of her parents. Still nothing. He then does the same to her mum, drilling her like his life depends on it it in front of them, still met with complete silence. After he was done, he heard thunder and a storm brewing, so he remembers what the dealer told him to do and he pulls out his tub of vaseline, her dad stands up immediately and says: “Fuck it, I’ll just do the dishes myself.”
A man approaches an ancient temple seeking enlightenment
He hails the monk guarding the gate, "I have come to seek enlightenment for I know nothing" The monk perks up, "Greetings, what is your name traveler?" The man smiles, "I am Steve" The monk laughs, "Lying so soon?"
Why is it that conservatives hate welfare and tax cheats so much?
They can’t stand the competition.