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Did you know bananas are good for memory

My girlfriend put one up my ass a month ago and I still remember it

When he was growing up, everybody laughed when Jimmy Fallon said he wanted to be a comedian...

no one’s laughing now.

My wife and I are a temperamental couple…

I’ve got a temper and she’s mental.

I saw a dude with one arm drop his phone on the pavement

and I blurted out “DO YOU NEED A HAND?!”

What do you call a guy who hangs around with a group of musicians?

The drummer.

I might have Alzheimer’s

but at least I don’t have Alzheimer’s

The cast of Friends has reunited to open a DVD shop

A man walks in and says, “My Netflix subscription just ran out. Do you have the latest season of You?” The staff points to a corner of the shop and says, “Aisle B there for You.”

Did you hear about the crow that was organising a party for all his crow friends?

He was arrested for attempted murder

Where do dads store all of their jokes?

In the Dadabase

How many of the phrases in English are palindromes?

Not a ton

What do wizards say every time a plane takes off in Queens, NY?

LaGuardia Leviosa

A friend of mine practices karate whenever he takes drugs.

I asked him why and he said it gets him "HAI-YAH".

Child minder

Are you looking for a child minder? £20 per hour He may be small but he’s rock hard.

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