Hush

Better not say it!

Welcome to better-not-say-it.com - things you shouldn't say. Here we have many funny and sometimes deeply shocking insights into things that shouldn't be said. The entire offer is of course absolute for free and you never have to register

... to your Boss ...

I have such a cold, the table next to my bed looks like it`s from a 13 year old who just discovered online porn.

... Jokes ...

A spider crawled into my keyboard last night...
He is still in there. I have him under control.

... Jokes ...

I know a real funny guy named Ian.
Everyone calls him comedy-Ian.

... Jokes ...

Plans for a new railway in Oxfordshire scrapped
For many years, the townsfolk of West Oxfordshire were looking forward to the opening of a brand new railway from London to the market town of Witney The Witney - Euston line was very close to being green lit, but after a number of line extensions it ended up terminating in Bath. Shortly after that, all plans were shelved.

... Jokes ...

When he was growing up, everybody laughed when Jimmy Fallon said he wanted to be a comedian...
no one’s laughing now.

... Jokes ...

When the Mexican guy forgot his ticket to the water park, the employee let him in anyway
“Typically I’m a stickler about this sort of thing,” he remarked “But I’m gonna let this Juan slide.”

... Jokes ...

How are cannibal babies born?
The other cannibals eat the moms off them.

... Jokes ...

What are Michael Jackson’s pronouns?
he/he

... Jokes ...

Did you know bananas are good for memory
My girlfriend put one up my ass a month ago and I still remember it

... Jokes ...

Why did Superman stay out of trouble when he was a kid?
He had a lot of super-vision.

... Jokes ...

A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar...
The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you." The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five". The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?" "No" says the boy, "But he minded his own fucking business."

... Jokes ...

How do you make a baker cry?
Murder his family.

... Jokes ...

I have a joke about pizza
You wouldn’t like it though, it’s too cheesy

... Jokes ...

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year old woman.
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?", the reporter asks. She simply answers, "No peer pressure."

... Jokes ...

My alcoholic friend says beer has made him a psychic
He calls himself "Bud the Wiser"

... Jokes ...

Starting on 2024 all US Government inmates are to recieve cell phones, per new law.
The program is called context.

... Jokes ...

What Do You Call A Swimming Terrorist?
A Torpedo

... Jokes ...

A woman at a party starts flirting with a handsome man, and asks him what he’s drinking…
He says “You won’t believe me, but this drink gives me the powers to fly”. She obviously doesn’t believe him and says “prove it!” So he takes a sip, walks to the nearest window, and jumps out. He starts flying, does a couple of pirouettes in the air and flies back in. The woman can’t believe her eyes and shouts “waiter, I’ll have what he’s drinking!” Excited, she gets her drink, takes a couple of sips and jumps out the window, landing flat on her face. The waiter then walks to the man and says “you’re a mean drunk, Superman”.

... Jokes ...

Guys, abortion may be illegal soon. If you accidentally get a girl pregnant, make sure she’s an anti-vaxxer.
Instead of paying for 18 years of child support, you’ll only have to pay for 3.

... Jokes ...

What’s the difference between Birth Control and BitCoin?
One is a method of protection from unintended consequences while being screwed, the other is a pill.

... Jokes ...

My family is very diverse in their sexual orientation. One fucks women, one fucks men, one fucks both...
...I just want them to fuck off.

... Jokes ...

So she told me that I was the worst she has ever had on bed.
How could she make that judgement on 30 seconds ?

... Jokes ...

What did the parent do to the teenager who snuck out and took the car and was killed in a car accident?
He was grounded.

... Jokes ...

“The Emporer Has No Clothes!”
“Shush kid, it’s modern art. You just don’t understand it.”

... Jokes ...

A last-minute filer walked into our state income tax office and handed me his returns.
Just as he did, a peal of laughter could be heard in another room. Glaring at me, he grumbled, *“What are they doing back there, counting the money?”*

... Jokes ...

I started to consider how to make ‘Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs’ a reality.
But it was just a Meateor Theory.

... Jokes ...

Need answer cause I genuinely don’t know
What’s red, black and covered in cobwebs?

... Jokes ...

A man has 4 sons
1st son: Degree in economics 2nd son: MBA 3rd son: PhD 4th son: Thief Neighbor asks: Why can you throw your fourth son out of the house Father: He is the only one earning money, the rest are all unemployed

... Jokes ...

Buttons. Definitely buttons.
A couple shopping for a groom’s tuxedo is asked “would you like buttons or a zipper on the trousers?” “Buttons”, the soon to be bride replies, “He has I jacket with a zipper and he keeps getting his tie caught in the zipper.”

... Jokes ...

tracks.
Two guys were walking through the forest and they came upon some tracks. One guy said those are deer track, the other said No! those are rabbit tracks. They followed them along the route to find out exactly what they were. Rabbit Tracks! Deer Tracks! Rabbit Tracks! Deer Tracks! This went on for some time. About a half hour later they were still following the tracks. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . They get hit by a train.

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Sometimes we'd better be silent

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