Things better not to say - random entries

I’m going down so often these days you’d think I was
making a porno movie.

Today is "Old Women`s Carnival", so you leave the house without make-up?

A tale of two strings
Son: What do I do with these two strings while you go to the bathroom?Me: I shit. You knot.

Bugs Bunny meets a chiropractor
For the first time ever, somebody called the chiropractor "doc."

How do you make a Fruit Tingle?
Put two fingers in the back-door.

Eco-activists, as a protest, splashed paint on a famous Jackson Pollock painting
No-one noticed.

When Bayern plays it is brutally loud in the stadium

I saw a group of ten ants running around my room
As i was bored, i made a small cardboard house for them. This technically makes me their landlord and them my... Tenants

What do rude French ducks say instead of “pardon”?
Quoi quoi qoui

What do you say to a military vagina?
Thank you for your cervix.

I went to the doctor to get a physical so I could enroll in gymnastics.
They said they wouldn’t serve me because I had “outstanding balance”. Just one look at me and they knew I was ready, no checkup needed!

a door-to-door salesman
A door-to-door salesman on his neighborhood rounds knocks on the door of a house. A little boy, no older than five, answers. The boy is wearing a velvet robe. In one hand is a brandy snifter filled halfway with liquor. In the other hand is a lit cigar. The boy takes a sip, then a puff. The door-to-door salesman, shocked, asks, "Uh, are you parents home?" The little boy says, "Does it fucking look like it?"

Apparently, when you drink a pint of Beer
You shorten your lifespan by 9 minutes. So according to my calculations, i died sometime in 1644.