Things better not to say - random entries
... Jokes ...Life pro tip: Want to take a selfie during sex?
Just squeeze both nipples at the same time.
Stolen from ask Reddit post about sex.
A man donates blood to save his wife.
In a life or death situation a man gives his wife blood to keep her alive.
However, a few months later they get divorced. At the divorce hearing the man demands his blood back.
After receiving a tampon to the face, he yells angrily, "What the fuck was that?!"
To which the wife replies.
"That was my first monthly payment"
Why do American soldiers like pizza so much?
Because they both come home in a box.
... at a Date ...Why did the Ex-Amish guy not clean all the dead insects off his new car?
He was used to his transport being a little buggy.
A poorly endowed man called Richard walks into a brothel, famous for it’s gay midgets…
He walks up to the reception and speaks to the lady behind the desk.
“Morning, I’ve come to see one of your famous gay midgets”
“Ofcourse! Go down the corridor and speak to the person behind the desk” said the lady. “Oh, and before you go, we aren’t taking cash or card payments today, only blowjobs”
Richard nodded, and walked down the hall to the next desk.
“Hello!” Said Richard, “I’ve come to see one of your famous gay midgets and I’ve just been informed you’re only taking payment in blowjobs”
“Excellent sir, and yes” said the man behind the desk “go up the stairs and there is another desk, and ask for your payment to be made to Little Jeffrey, then we will let a gay midget know you are ready to see them”
“Fantastic” said Richard, a bounce in his step. He walked upstairs and spoke to the old woman behind the desk.
“Hello, my name is Richard and I’ve come to see one of your famous gay midgets and I’ve been told to do so, I need to give a blowjob to Little Jeffrey?”
“Hello Richard” said the old woman “Little Jeffrey isn’t here today, but Tiny Peter will take your payment, he’s across the hall in the foyer”
Frustrated at his lack of hot midget action, and running out of patience, Richard nodded curtly and walked to the foyer.
“Hello Tiny Peter, my name is Richard, I understand that in order to have intercourse with a gay midget, I have to provide you with a blowjob?”
“Hi Richard, sorry, I’m not Tiny Peter, I’m afraid he passed away. You can give one to Small Dominic”
“Okay” said Richard, enraged and sex starved, and he walked across to the man he thought was Small Dominic.
“Hello Small Dominic, my name is Richard, I have come to have sex with one of your world famous gay midgets and have been told to see Little Jeffrey, but he isn’t here, I’ve been told to see Tiny Peter, but he’s dead, and so I have come to see you…Small Dominic”
“Sorry Richard, my name is Miniscule Douglas, Small Dominic has retired. You need…”
“THAT’S IT!!!! I’VE HAD IT!!!”
Richard looked to the sky and yelled
“Who’s little dick does a little dicked Dick have to suck to suck a little dick around here?”
What should you call your eunuch servant?
Anything you like. He is not coming.
making a bunch of dad jokes: join in perhaps
How do alligators get their energy?
Gatorade
What do you call a doctor for alligators?
Gator-aid
What do you call getting help from an alligator?
Gator-aid
What do you call lemonade made with alligators?
Gatorade
What do you call an invasive group of alligators?
Gator-raid
An alligator went to a strip club...
now he has gatoraids
Why are gays so energetic?
gaytorade
She was so tall
I dated a girl that was so tall that when we were toes to toes my nose was in it, an if we were toes to toes my nose was in it
“Do you have any last words before I kill you?” snarled the demon.
That was 32 years ago and I’ve still not said a word since, it still shadows me, waiting.