Things better not to say - random entries

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh

Sometimes I feel like a failure, then
then I met you. Now, I am happy.

I used to think revenge was a dish best served cold...
But then I realized it meant getting back at somebody.

I have a fetish
I have a fetish for figuring things out... ​ I just came to that realization

Dear NASA, the two slices of bread in orbit are mine... sorry... *fine-tune the toaster*

Mickey and Minnie Mouse go to couples therapy
Mickey tells the therapist about Minnie’s behavior and says he wants a divorce. The therapist says “Just because she’s been acting a bit weird doesn’t mean you should get a divorce.” Mickey angrily responds “I didn’t say she was acting weird! I said she was fucking Goofy!”

Happy 420 day! Here’s some timely jokes!
What do you tell a preachy stoner who insists you should feed your pony marijuana? *** Get off your high horse! What did the joint say to Britney Spears? *** Hit me with baby one more time! What happened when the stoner stepped in the pothole? *** He rolled a joint What’s Nikes new pro marijuana slogan *** Just Doobie do It!!

what did the giant playing a soccer video game say?
fi-fa-fo-fump

A father asks to speak to his son in private real quick while at baseball practice..
Ok bud, lets go over a few things: Youve been doing your homework right? Yes papa Youve been staying out of trouble at school? Yes papa Youve been doing your homework before you play action figures with your friends? Yes papa Youve been thinking of your papa? Yes papa (hugs papa) Youve been practicing your baseball everyday before you play action figures and GI joes with your friends? Yes papa Alright sport, you can go back to practicing with your team. Love you. Love you papa

A Farmer owns a Cow called Nobody, a Dog called Noone and a cat called My Asshole
One day his cow runs away, as his dog watches without doing anything. Then his cat runs up a tree. He runs up to a polive officer and says: "My cow ran off! There are various other elements to this story that I wont tell you because they would only cause confusion."

When you go to the hospital, where do they insert the IV for fluids?
In your forearm.

So my wife walked in on me fucking our daughter
Idk what she was more surprised by, me fucking our daughter, or that the abortion clinic gave me the fetus.

Little Johnny was sitting in class and the teacher was going over how to use the word beautiful in a sentence.
He asked the class if anybody could use the word beautiful in a sentence. Little Jane put up her hand and said “today is a b-b-b-beautiful day“. Excellent said the teacher. Little Sally put up her hand and said “my mom says I look beautiful in a summer dress“. Great job said the teacher. Little Johnny put up his hand and said “ last night at the dinner table, my sister told my dad that she was pregnant. And my dad said beautiful, fucking beautiful“.