Things better not to say - random entries

Every day’s a school day
Today I learnt what TIL meant.. now I’m figuring out TFW and IRL… after that I’m going to be OTM

Sperm bank
So I went into a sperm bank to give a sample. I saw the hottest receptionist there and was hoping she would help me out “wink wink”. To my surprise she did help me! She handed me a cup, lube and a stack of magazines.

Three guys and a girl are marooned on a desert island.
After one week, the girl is so ashamed of what she’s doing, that she kills herself. After another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they’re doing, that they bury her. After another week, they’re so ashamed of what they’re doing, that they dig her up again.

An actual joke that was told by Jews during World War II
An SS man says to a Jew in a concentration camp: "You are to be killed today, but I will give you a chance. One of my eyes is a glass eye. If you can guess which one it is, I will give you your life." The Jew looks at the SS man and says, "The left one, Herr Corporal." "That is correct. How did you recognize it?" "Because it looks so human."

Whats the difference between a politician and a hooker?
A hooker will stop fucking you once you run out of money.

What do you call putting an Altoid in her butt?
Her-ass-mint

Zelenskyy went on the news yesterday to address Russia.
"I am tired of Putin up with you!"

Why are blondes safe in a zombie apocalypse?
Because zombies only eat brains.

I ordered a Reuben at a dinner last night…
It was over krauted!

Why can’t chess players ever have a one night stand?
Because they always start with 2 knights in a row

Progress is the opposite of Congress.
But prostitution is not the opposite of Constitution.

Did you hear that farmers are getting rid of circular hay bales?
Yeah, horses are sad that they’re not getting a square meal.

My husband and I were chilling on the couch. Him playing a video game and me on Reddit. When he looks over at me sweetly and asks me if I want to play around.
I got excited and started leaning in for a kiss when he handed me the video game remote. I realized the importance of a space very quickly. >!He was asking if I wanted to ‘play a round’!<