Things better not to say - random entries

What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?
When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired

My brother said he’d rather live in Leesburg than Manassas, because he doesn’t want to live in a place named for a man’s ass
Thanks I reminded him that Leesburg is named for an asshole.

“Hey, do you care if I punch myself in the face?” “No, not at all…
…knock yourself out.”

I entered a blindfolded masturbation competition today.
Fuck knows where I came.

so a man walks into a bar with a monkey
i forgot the rest of the joke, but your mother’s a whore.

Best way to get your babies attention
Sit down and look comfortable. This joke sucks. Anyone know some funny baby jokes? “Babies are like…” etc.

What do you do if Dwayne Johnson tells a joke?
Just make sure you laugh.

Unfortunately I don`t have any more condoms, can I use a sock?

As an American, it makes me so sad to see that nothing is made in the USA anymore.
I just bought this new TV and it says “Built-in Antenna.” I don’t even know where that is.

my wife had her best orgasm today.
I wish I had been there with her

When I shit, my dick touch the water.
I should really call a plumber.

Why did the Rasta not pay his rent?
He was Jahb less!

Why are kidney donors’ houses so messy?
They are disorganized.