Things better not to say - random entries
... Jokes ...A man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn’t been feeling well lately.
The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor said, “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.” Startled to be put on so much medicine, the man stammered, “Doc, exactly what is my problem?” The doctor replied, “You’re not drinking enough water.”
... at a Date ...Shall we practice math? We could add you and me, take off our clothes, multiply our feelings and share our happiness.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I’ll let you know what comes first.
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
Retirement
Douglas had been working at a desk job for the past 20 years. He had finally saved up enough money to move where he always wanted to: Montana.
Montana is bear country, and knowing this Douglas bought a shotgun. He bought a cute cabin out by the lake, where the salmon trail was wild. The house was so beautiful he didn’t want anybody on it. One day Douglas was on his porch, swinging on his rocking chair smoking a fancy Cuban cigar (he had deserved it) and resting his prized shotgun on his lap. Suddenly a stranger says “Help there’s been a bear attack!”, Douglas immediately grabs his shotgun, but instead of helping him he blasts the man in the face, leaving a hole in him. “This is private property” Douglas says.
Later, in the paper he reads “Bear attack on 2 residents!” Douglas says “eh, bears are worse than shotguns”.
Visiting the brothel
A man who’d lost his wife a while back was tired of being lonely and decided to visit a brothel for some companionship.
The madam sent him upstairs with one of the girls who asked him what he was looking for.
The guy said that he’d been married to the same woman for years and that their sex life was never very adventurous. He was wondering if maybe she could introduce him to something a little different.
She asked him if he’d ever tried sixty-nine. The guy said no but it’s sounds like fun. So they got undressed and went to it.
They guy was really enjoying himself when after a few minutes the girl let out a particularly pungent fart. He was going to say something but was having such a good time he decided to let it go.
But then after a few more minutes the girl dropped another bomb that smelled as bad if not worse than the first one.
At this point the guy says alright that’s it, and he gets up and starts getting dressed.
They girls says “What’s the matter, weren’t you having a good time, honey?”
The guy says “I was having a great time.”
And the girl says “Then what’s the problem?”
And the guy says “I just don’t think I could stand sixty-seven more of those.”
A ship, sailing past a remote island, spots a man who has been stranded there for several years.
The captain goes ashore to rescue the man and notices three huts.
“What’s the first hut for?” he asks.
“That’s my house,” says the castaway.
“What’s the second hut for?”
“That’s my church.”
“And the third hut?”
“Oh, that?” sniffs the castaway. “That’s the church I used to go to.”
What do you call it when a hot twink doesn’t know how many dicks they’ve taken they past month?
>!He is faggotfull.!<
I finally, after 35 years, have made my own two line joke
What’s a gooses’s favorite vegetable?
Asparagoose.