Things better not to say - random entries
... Jokes ...Einstein spent 10 years studying gravity.
It must have weighed heavily on him.
Inspired by the Egyptian goddess of motherhood, I announced that I would name my unborn daughter Isis.
People lost their heads.
Has anyone else noticed this about movie trailers in recent years?
Movie trailers will say a movie is “only in theaters this Thursday” or “Only in theaters June 9th”. Like why only for that day?
How many narcissists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They use gaslighting.
A bar owner is looking for some new musical acts to spice up the ambiance of his establishment.
He goes online, trying to find some local up-and-coming bands. He finds a couple of okay options: some country, some rap, some metal… Nothing really sticks out as the next big thing to him though. He keeps at it for an entire weekend, struggling to find something he really likes.
He then stumbles upon this video of an old man, playing the acoustic guitar on his front porch: a beautiful rendition of ‘’Stairway to Heaven’’. Gentle, touching, absolutely gorgeous. The bar owner can’t help but cry. He immediately knows this is the man he wants for his bar, and gets in contact with him.
The musician, over the phone, thank him over and over again for the amazing opportunity. He explains that he’s a retired judge who was pressured to go into law by his parents, over 50 years ago. In his heart, he’s always dreamed of being a musician and to perform in front of a real audience. This is the first time he’ll ever get to do it.
The bar owner is even more touched by his story, and decides to immediately sign him on for 10 night shows. The old judge is over the moon, this is everything he’s ever dreamed of! The two men leave the call, happy and content.
That night, the bar owner hypes all of the regulars, telling them about this amazing new act that they’ll get to see tomorrow. He tells them to bring some friends, bring some family, no one has ever heard music like that before. The patrons are excited and promise to bring everyone they know.
The night arrives, and the old judge gets on stage. The bar is absolutely packed, people give him a standing ovation before he’s even started. Beaming with joy and trying his best not to cry, he calms the audience down. ‘’Thank you, thank you so much, everyone. Thank you to Jim, the owner, for believing in me. I know he loved my cover of ‘Stairway to Heaven’, but tonight, I figured I’d do some original compositions. I hope you like them.’’ He sits down and starts playing.
He slams down on his guitar and lets out a piercing screech. Everyone in the room freezes
For the next half hour, without ever stopping, he plays dozens of discordant chords while yelling incoherent words like ‘’pineapple sauce!’’ and ‘’love and hate are second cousins!’’. He screams then whispers, playing notes that don’t make any sort of reasonable sense.
The audience is stunned. No one dares to say a word. The sweet old man seems so sincere in his rendition, yet it’s just… horrendous.
The owner has a million thoughts racing all at once. How could this happen? Can he even get the courage to tell him that everything he’s doing is absolutely terrible? One of the regulars comes up to the bar and sits down to talk to him. ‘’So, Jim… what the hell is this?’’
The owner explains to him the whole situation. How he found the man online, that beautiful ‘’Stairway to Heaven’’ rendition, his tragic story as a retired judge that always wanted to be a musician, and how he’s now stuck, having booked him for 9 more shows for the next 2 weeks. The regular scratches his head, thinks for a while and shrugs before declaring:
‘’…And that’s why you should never book a judge by his cover.’’
You should get a divorce
when you start thinking that going to jail after killing him it might be a good idea.
What do you call, Artificial Intelligence that likes fat women?
Shallow Hal 9000
Once Chuck Norris reached a point of no return...
And then he returned...
A couple is playing golf, when accidentally the ball flies out of the field and breaks a window of a nearby house
The house looks quite expensive, and the couple is very nervous, wondering how much they have to pay for the window. They knock the door, and a middle aged man opens it.
The husband apologizes: “Good afternoon sir. I and my wife were playing golf here. We didn’t mean it, but we have to apologize for your broken window. It was done by us and it was a pure accident”.
The man is not angry at all, instead, he answers with a smiling face: “So it was you two. No problem at all. In fact , I have to thank you for that”.
The couple is confused and asks why.
The man explains: “Well I’m actually a genie living in a lamp in this house for at least hundreds of years. Your ball didn’t only break the window, but the lamp as well. Now I am free thanks to you. I hereby offer you three wishes”.
The couple is shocked that the accident turns a giant surprise, and they proceed to making wishes.
“We want to be billionaires!”, says the wife.
The man waves his hand and says “Done. One billion dollars each has been in your bank accounts”.
“We, want to stay young forever”, says the husband.
The man waves his hand again, and says “Done. From tomorrow, your biological age will grow reversely until you reach the age of 18, then it will stop”.
“For the last wish, we want to stay healthy forever”, says the couple together.
The man waves his hand again and says “Done. From now on, no disease will ever trouble you”.
Th couple is so grateful, and thanks the man “Mr genie, you have changed our life forever. We don’t have how we can thank you for such a great favor”.
“Well actually I do have a request for you”, says the man “Look, I’ve been trapped in the lamp for hundreds of years, that means I’ve never touched a woman for hundreds of years. I am now quite thirsty for s*x, so if you can satisfy me for just once, it will be very appreciated”.
The couple hesitates and discuss about it. Initially they don’t want to agree, but after realizing the genie has turned them into immortal billionaires and his request is relatively so small, they reluctantly agree.
The wife and the man then go to his bedroom and do what the man asked for. After one hour, the sweating two are lying on the bed to have a rest. The man asks the wife how old she is. The wife replies that she’s 30.
The man bursts into laughter and says “So you are telling me you are as old as 30 but still believe in genie stories?”
Where’s the best place to sing Eleanor Rigby?
A mirror maze, so you can look at all the lonely people.