Things better not to say - random entries
... Jokes ...What did the cannibal do after eating vegetable?
He sold the wheelchair on eBay
My penis is so small…
The last time I had sex with a woman her antibodies fought me
... at a Date ...2 Cosplayers and 2 Tanners check in at a Resort...
The first tanner walks up to the reception and says,
“I would like a room in the Northeast wing.”
The receptionist acknowledges then gave him the keys.
Then, the first cosplayer walks up to the reception and says,
“I would like a room in the Southeast wing.”
The receptionist acknowledges then gave her the keys.
The second tanner is next in line and walks up to the reception desk.
“I would like a room in the Southwest wing.”
The receptionist acknowledges again then gave him the keys.
The second cosplayer then walks up to the the receptionist.
“I would like a room in the Northwest wing.”
The receptionist replied, “Sorry ma’am, but that’s a cos negative area.”
How much anus would you like with your breakfast this morning?
(punchline optional)
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs who lies on the floor?
An armless, legless, lying bastard.
... at School ...Never literally taking cooking instructions…
It said “chill in the fridge for an hour”
I nearly died
Bono and u2 were performing at a gig in scotland
And as you all will know, bono is a cause celebre for all sorts of charity aid, world peace, ending hunger, heal the world etc that sort of thing. He jets around the world having concerts and all that for the benefit of others and frequently raises this at his concerts.
He begins this concert like any other; with a great deal of flourish and theatricality, hushing the crowd to silence. He begins with a slow clap. He pauses for 6 whole seconds before clapping again. He does this again and again for about a full minute.
Having captured the full attention of the audience, He reaches into the microphone and speaks. "Every time i clap my hands, a child in africa dies of hunger."
He pauses again for dramatic effect and flair, to let the message and solemnity of the situation sink in.
Before he can clap again, a heavily scottish accented voice yells back at him over the crowd
"WELL STOP IT DEN YER EVIL BASTARD"
You know how swimmers and runners shave off their body hair so they can run faster and swim deeper?
Yeah, so anyway, I shaved my pubes.