Things better not to say - random entries

How did the hacker get away from the police?
He ransomware.

What does David Goggins and Viagra have in common?
They both want you to STAY HARD!

Don`t chatter for long, head inside the neck!

The kebab man is the only one who will ever call me boss.

She said: "Come to my place this evening, there will be nobody home."
I went there and rang the doorbell. There was nobody home.

A Republican and a Democrat end up as neighbors
Every single day they have fights for their political beliefs in which they spiral out of control. As the years goes by they hate each other more and more. One day the Republican(John) has a terrible car accident right in front of the Democrats(Mike) house. "Mike!!" he yells. "Come quickly! please< I am dying!! Mike leaves aside his rivalry and rushes to help As Mike approaches, John calls out weakly. "Its too late Mike... Please...I have one final wish.." "What is it John tell me...?" Mike implores his dying neighbor. "Please, Mike. Contact your Democrat Party and please write me as an official member in your Catalogues." As fast as possible Mike grabs the phone and finalizes the process for John to be a Democrat. "Tell me John! Why did you make this choice now after all these years?" asks Mike with tears in his eyes.. John with his very last breath says... "Mike..one fuckin Democrat less now...fuck you...!"

The one where Einstein switched places with his driver.
Am I doing this right?

New tag needed
This sub needs an OC content tag

What’s an artist’s favorite shoe brand?
Sketchers.

Gave my blind friend a cheese grater
He said it was the best book he ever read

My relationship is like a Porsche. I don`t have a Porsche.

I lost my job at the bank today.
Someone told me to check their balance, so I pushed them over.

"What do you bring to our company?" "Residual alcohol!"