Things better not to say - random entries
... Jokes ...Did you hear the one about the 2 gay Irishmen?
Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald
What’s the difference between a puppy and a sandwich?
I don’t have sex with a sandwich before I eat it.
A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog
A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. Once he enters he picks up his dog and starts swinging him around. The bartender yells and runs over to the man and says “Hey man what are you doing!?”
The blind man responds, “oh nothing, I’m just looking around”.
I had to raise the fire alarm at work today...
The midgets were furious!
What do you call a camel that looks the same walking forward as it does walking backward?
A palindromedary.
A traditional Thanksgiving joke
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How did Thanksgiving go at your place?" the bartender asks. "Oh, it went fine. Had a lot of family over and the wife prepared the meal. I helped out, though. She got a little stressed out and told me she needed some peace and quiet in the kitchen so she could finish cooking," the guy says. "So I removed all the batteries from the smoke detectors."
Deathbed Instructions
Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
· My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
· My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over on the east end."
· My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
· "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.”
The wife replies, "Huh? The asshole had a paper route.”
All this chess drama lately smh. All chessophiles want to know is if Magnus Carlsen is the best player in the world, who is the second best player in the world?
Drunk Magnus Carlsen duh
Why did Washington, D.C. get all the lawyers and New Jersey get all the toxic waste dumps?
New Jersey had the first pick.