Things better not to say - random entries
... Jokes ...Why are Ukrainian women the best women to date?
No matter how many times you come over, she keeps Putin out.
Why there are no more pirates in Kansas?
Because they all moved to Arkansas.
My husband came back with a prescription for Dailysex
I had to tell him it was for Dyslexia
"My dear Holmes, which kind of school catholic priests like the most?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson."
The kidnap
A blonde is running a little short of cash, so she goes to the playground and kidnaps Johnny.
She takes him to her home and writes a note:
- “If you want to see Johnny again, leave $10,000 in unmarked bills in a plain paper bag by the merry-go-round at the playground by 8 AM tomorrow. Signed, A Blonde.”
She pins the note to Johnny’s shirt and sends him home.
In the morning she goes to the playground, and sure enough, there is the plain brown bag containing a large stack of bills, along with a note that reads,
- “How could you do this to a fellow blonde?”
An upset guy goes to a philosopher to find a way.
Man: what do I do when nothing is going good?
Philosopher: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When someone is hurt, give first aid. When you see her tired, help out your maid.
The man goes away satisfied. He takes the common things between what the philosopher said so that he can do it all at once and just gives everyone aids.
007 has a new mission…
… he has to infiltrate a posh party and mingle.
His orders are to “bond James, bond”.
Fat guy walked into a bar and ordered a milk....
And Redditor mod working there as bartender said: THIS IS A BAR WRONG SUB,BAN and kicked guy from a bar.
The pickle factory worker
Jim worked in a pickle factory, and one day he got the strongest urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer. He knew he shouldn’t do it, but the urges were just too much. He went to the on call psychologist offered through his employer and confided his urge with them.
First session:
Jim: “I’m sorry doc, I just can’t stop thinking about it, what do I do?”
Doctor: “well, I’ve got some breathing techniques you can try and it just might help.”
Jim gives the techniques a shot, but to no avail. The urge is still there.
2nd session:
Jim: “I just can’t stop thinking about it!”
Dr: “next time you have the urge, think about all the horrible consequences and trauma that it will cause”
Jim does this, but again to no avail.
3rd session:
Jim: “doctor, I’m at the end of my rope here, please help me”
Dr: “Jim, there’s nothing else I can do for you. You know the consequences, so if you do decide to act on your urge, then you know what will happen.”
Of course, the urge doesn’t go away, Jim sticks his penis in the pickle slicer, and he’s subsequently fired from his job. He gets home, down trodden and depressed, and his wife asked him what happened.
Jim: “I’m sorry honey, but I stuck my penis in the pickle slicer, and they immediately fired me.”
Shocked, his wife walks up to him, pulls his pants down, only to see a fully intact penis.
Wife: “what the hell happened to the pickle slicer?”
Jim: “oh, she also got fired.”