Things better not to say - random entries
... Jokes ...Hey do you guys want to hear a construction joke?
Sorry, but I’m still working on it. Expect delays
Word of advice to all the men out there: DO NOT masturbate after chopping up some chilies.
Not only does it sting but it will also get you kicked off Masterchef.
Today I saw a license plate that said 420-fps
Their is no joke I just want to share something cool but I have no friends
When Chuck Norris goes near a black hole...
The black hole gets sucked in him.
I worked at a sewage company.
when i worked there, i had two coworkers, Jake and Turner. once, we went out to an old house to do work on a septic tank. the homeowners said that the lid of the tank was rusted shut, and couldnt be opened. luckily, in their basement there was access to the tank for maintenance purposes. now, Turner was not the most bright worker. he had constantly made mistakes, misjudging measurements, breaking safety/hygiene protocols, and over all just being an unpleasant person to work with. as we were looking over the tank and wondering how we could pump out the innards, Turner reached out his hand and peeled off a hand-sized flake of rusted metal from the edge of the tank. instantly, the sewage and waste began to gush out of the newly torn hole in the side of the tank, flooding the entire basement to waist height. Jake slowly rotates to face Turner and stares at him, anger radiating off of his face. he shouts,
**"IVE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH YOUR SHIT!!!"**
I gave my Girlfriend an orgasm once…
…and she spat it back in my face!!!
Two Russian Guys are Drinking Round a Campfire
Discussing the ongoing situation in Ukraine. As the vodka continues to flow, the conversation gets more and more patriotic and they decide they need to do their bit for the war effort. So they decided to build a missile and launch it at Ukraine.
They get an old septic tank, fill it with gunpowder and fertiliser, put a cone and some fins on it, point it in the vague direction of Ukraine and light the fuse.
Once the fuse reaches the gunpowder the missile explodes in place flinging them both into the forest.
Wrapped around a tree, bloodied and missing various limbs, one of them looks at the other and says.
“If it fucked us so bad here, just imagine the carnage in Ukraine!”
A man is at the eye doctor to get a check up, his Doctor says “your results aren’t good”
The Man the ask if he can I see them, the doctor says “probably not”
I can’t watch pro sports drafts anymore…
Because I’m 26 so I can’t bear to watch people 4 to 8 years younger than me surpass me in pretty much every area in life besides maybe intelligence, and intelligence is gay
On the hottest day of the year I crashed into a lemonade stand.
It was a refreshing change of pace.
The day before the maid is supposed to arrive, my wife always cleans our place as much as she can.
I said: "Honey, do we really need a maid, or just the threat of one?"
... at the Toilet ...