Things better not to say - random entries
... Jokes ...What do you call the line to get into Westminster Hall to pay your respects?
The Queue E II
My eyes light up when I hear a joke about water.
They love aqueous humour.
A chemist goes to England for the first time
He walks into a crowded restaurant in the suburbs. He realizes he starts to get really hot, and as he wipes the sweat of his forehead he asks his waiter:
“Why is it so humid in here?”
The waiter responds “Lots of people have been moving from London recently, and everywhere is getting hotter from the body heat”
It was at this moment that the chemist wished there were weaker London dispersion forces.
I work at an Italian restaurant in NYC, and I witnessed my bosses throw something that was purple, full of bullets and wrapped in shrink wrap into a lake…
I said “Well, I know those eggplants got a little mouldy but I think just putting them in the dumpster would have been enough”
Before you marry a person,
you should first make them use a computer with slow internet service to see who they really are.
... at a Date ...Just picked up my niece from daycare. So if you don`t like smacking and chewing noises, then never work in a kindergarten or have children.
5 children were eating, it reminded me of a scene in "The Walking Dead".
Why does the French army surrender so quickly?
Because they have nothing Toulouse.
Here come the downvotes
What did the unicorn say to the Iranian Gynecologist? Nothing. Iranian Gynecologists are mythical creatures and don’t exist in real life.
My friend came back to town…
… after travelling the world for 13 years. I was so excited to see her, and she was really excited to tell me about her time abroad!
We talked and, after a while, i offered her a ham sandwich. She said no and was rather insulted, which was strange because it used to be her favorite when we were kids. I asked if she still ate meat, and she said no.
Assuming she had just gone vegan, we went down the street to a pub that served vegan food. I offered to buy here a beer, but she refused saying she didn’t drink anymore. Now I was worried about her, because she used to love beer before she left!
The night was getting long, and I asked her if she wanted to stay the night in my guest room. She felt uncomfortable and said she was going to leave.
This was totally unlike her, so I asked her if she was okay. She explained she had changed her religion recently. Everything I had been suggesting went against her beliefs. Exasperated, I shouted “It’s been 13 years! I didn’t know you were a Sikh, Ada!”
... at Office ...