Things better not to say - random entries

Where does one go to weigh baked goods?
Somewhere over the rainbow, weigh a pie

Me & Her....
**SHE SHOUTED DOWN FROM UPSTAIRS;** "**CAN YOU FEEL A SHOOTING PAIN ACROSS YOUR CHEST AS IF SOMEONE HAS A VOODOO DOLL OF YOU AND IS STICKING PINS IN IT?"** **ME: "NOPE... i FEEL FINE...."** **HER; " HOW ABOUT NOW?....."**

My friend got fired from his job at the pickle factory after he got caught with his penis in the pickle slicer.
As for the pickle slicer, she got fired, too.

How many trans women are needed to screw in a lightbulb?
One. But with at least one supervisor, if a stool is involved

Why is the vagina located so close to the anus?
Because it was designed by city council. Who else would put a play area so close to a dumping ground?

The insomniacs are getting all excited.
Only 2 more sleeps till Christmas.

Sperm bank
So I went into a sperm bank to give a sample. I saw the hottest receptionist there and was hoping she would help me out “wink wink”. To my surprise she did help me! She handed me a cup, lube and a stack of magazines.

Do you have a photo of you with you? I want to help Santa fulfill my wish list.

I had a dream I was driving a Ferrari last night...
I was fast, asleep.

Joke from my 12 year old son
Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock!

There once was a man from Nantucket…
Whose dick was so long he could suck it. He wiped off his chin and said with a grin, “if my ear was a cunt I would fuck it”

A burglar breaks into a dark house…
…in the middle of the night and sneaks around in search of valuables. Suddenly a hoarse voice rings out: „I see you and the Lord sees you too!“ He almost has a heart attack and drops his flashlight in a panic. While he fumbles for it, the voice booms again: „I see you and the Lord sees you too!“ Trembling, he finally manages to get a hold of the flashlight and aims it in the direction where the voice came from. The ray of light wanders over a cupboard, an ugly faded grey wallpaper and finally, a parrot cage. „I see you and the Lord sees you too!“, says the parrot again. „Shut it, bird!“, hisses the burglar after a sigh of relief. Just when he is about to turn around, something else reflects in the ray of light… holy shit, it’s the eyes of a huge black dog sitting silently beside the cage. „Get him, Lord!“

Whenever my wife is upset I let her colour in my black and white tattoos.
Sometimes she needs a shoulder to crayon.