Things better not to say - random entries

How is it here, am I allowed to move about freely or do you get reported here for "offending a public nuisance" because you`re only allowed to wear a funny piece of linen?

I really hate meetings
I really wish “me” werent in meetings

I like you, you remind me of me - when I was young and stupid!

True
You here about vegetarian’s but you never here about carnivores

I am demisexual
I give only half a fuck to everything

I am short, dark, black eyed and haired lesbian with an interest for art.
In other words, the perfect actor to play Hitler in a Netflix documentary-remake

A man walks into a bar
And sees two gangsters chating, one of them lifts his shirt, showing a horrible scar in his chest and says "Kansas city", the other does the same, lifts his shirt and shows a big scar in his back and says "Boston city". The man approaches them, lifts his shirt and shows a scar in the right side of his belly and says "Appendicitis..."

I’ve fought Medusa before.
At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.

Dateline GOTHAM CITY, December 24th:
Alarms went off this evening when Batman was booked for a possible DUI after leaving the City Hall Christmas Soirée. The caped crusader tore out the entire steering column on his heavily modified sports car while driving recklessly in pursuit of The Joker, who fled the area. Officers noted that he “reeked of peppermint schnapps” but refused to submit to a breathalyzer at the scene. Robin had left the party early with a beautiful young woman whom he had been teasing, and was not in the vehicle when in it crashed. In short: Jingle Bells, Batman Smells, Robin laid a Neg, Batmobile lost its wheel, and the Joker ran away.

"I need to load!"
- Jerry (42 [age]), truck driver - Ben (29) army-sniper -Lisa (33) has 1% charge on her phone - Jill (32) needs to got to Walmart - Jacob (54) bodybuilder -Jake (12) is looking forward to the Fortnite update

Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 men.
It exploded and killed 20 more. Then he threw the pin and killed 10 more men.

I saw a small baby being delivered by stork.
I saw a large baby being delivered by crane.

Three blondes are on an island 100 meters away from civilization. The first swims 25 meters and drowns. The second swims 50 meters and drowns. The third swims 75 meters and then thinks: "I can`t do it anymore". And swim back to the island!