Things better not to say - random entries
... Jokes ...Lost my job down at the sperm bank...
They caught me drinking on the job.
Can someone tell me an actual dark joke?
I try looking them up but the ones I see aren’t dark at all and I don’t mean the regular dead baby jokes. Can someone tell me an actual dark joke?
A sad donkey
There was, at one time, a donkey who would never stop crying. His owner set out a notice asking people to make him stop. A man showed up the next day saying that he would make the donkey stop- easily. He goes up to the donkey and tells him something. The donkey starts laughing hysterically and the man goes back to the donkey’s owner asking for a reward. The owner gives him $100 as a reward and asks, “How we’re you able to make him stop?”
The man responds, “That’s a story for another time.”
However, after some time, the laughing of the donkey becomes incredibly annoying, and the owner once again wants to make him stop. The same man whom made the donkey laugh before comes back and goes up to the donkey again. He promptly drops his pants and the donkey starts crying again. The man pulls up his pants and goes back to the owner. Now the owner is really intrigued. “Now I have to know. How’d you do it?”
The man responds, “Well, first I told him my dick was bigger than his.”
“And then what?”
“Then I showed him.”
... at a Date ...Four Gentlemen Are out Golfing ,,,
Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children’s professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, knocks the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word…
The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, “My son is doing pretty well. He’s just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he’s doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car.” Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball down towards the green, and steps aside.
The third guy steps up and can’t help but escalate with praise for his own son, “That’s pretty impressive, but my boy is also doing great. He’s a chip off the old block. He’s a broker for luxury yachts, and really has a knack for it. He’s doing so well that the last woman he was dating he up and just gave her a freaking boat!”. He takes his shot and stands next to the other guy.
The last gentleman, growing in confidence steps up to the tee, really feeling pride in his son’s accomplishments, “Those are nothing to scoff at, no doubt. Believe it or not though, my son is doing even better! He’s a top ranked national realtor and had such a profitable year that he up and bought this girl he’s been dating an entire freaking house!” He drives his shot almost to the hole and all three walk down to meet the friend that lost his ball in the trees.
The first guy chips his ball out as they arrive at the green. As he walks up the last guy shout to him, “What about you? You didn’t say anything before you shot… don’t you have something to share about your son?”
The bashfully dips his head a little and replies, “I don’t understand my son. I love him and I’m happy he’s happy. He’s a cross-dresser, he’s gay, and works as a male escort…” They all get quiet for a moment before he continues, “He must be good though – just this year his top clients have bought him a Ferarri, a small yacht, and a new fuckin’ house!”
If closing your eyes and counting to one is how long eternity feels like, dads have missed on a great opportunity.
Gwen the pizza arrives, just say, “This took more than an eternity to get here!”
What’s the best present you can gift?
A broken drum.
Nobody can beat that.
Ok what’s the difference between the Titantic and California?
At least the lights were on when the Titanic sank.
Thank you, tip your bartenders ladies and gents…..
... to the Police ...Yes, I know I didn`t follow the rules 100%... But you have to admit I`m still pretty good at driving for someone totally drunk.