Things better not to say - random entries
... Jokes ...The new Avengers movie is only going to have four main characters.
No Cap.
A guy walks into a clock shop and aproaches the counter where a sales lady is standing.
He pulls down his zipper and places his pecker on the counter.
Sales Lady stunned: Excuse me sir, This is a CLOCK shop.
Customer: Yes I know, could you please put two hands and a face on this please?
An old one from my dad, modernized
A man is at a bar, throwing back beers. Towards the end of the night, he throws up all over himself.
“Oh great!” He says, “Now my wife’s gonna see and she’ll tear me a new one for staying out at the bar all night.”
The bartender laughs and says, “Nah man. Here’s what you do: create a fake Venmo account, with a fake name and picture. Use it to send $20 to your real account. Then you tell your wife you were walking home passed the bar, and a drunk guy threw up all over you. So he Venmo’d you $20 to buy a new shirt. Then show her the payment as proof.”
“That’s a great idea!” the man says. So he leaves the bar and does exactly that. He tells his wife a man threw up on him, and Venmo’d him $20 for a new shirt. When she asks to see, he proudly presents the fake Venmo payment as proof. His wife is satisfied with this.
…. Until she takes a closer look, and sees a second identical payment, from the same account to her husband’s for another $20, made fifteen minutes after the first. She asks, “And why did the man send you an additional $20, fifteen minutes later?”
The man says, “Because he shat in my pants too!”
I married my duvet.
And then the puffy bitch went off and cheated on me by sleeping with my pillow.
Jack was very fat and his wife was worried about him, so she made him see the doctor...
The doctor weighed him and said, "You must lose 30 kg. Eat only fruits and vegetables and jog 5 km a day for the next 100 days. Then give me a call and tell me how much you weigh."
Jack went home and did what the doctor told him. 100 days later, Jack called the doctor.
"Jack here. You will be happy to know that I have lost 30 kg."
"Excellent," said the doctor.
"There is just one problem," Jack said. "I am 500 km from home!"
Why did the programmer drown when he fell into the lake at the park?
There was a sign that said "No swimming".
... to your Friends ...Did you hear that Shirley MacLaine once let Robert Redford rip off all her clothes?
Well, it was unavoidable; try to put a left-handed nut together with a right-handed stud and at least one of them is going to end up stripped.
... during Sex ...