Things better not to say - random entries
... Jokes ...My preferred reddit username is like my preferred partner.
Both are already taken.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had too many problems. Deez nuts!
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy hares for $10 each...
The villagers, seeing that there were many hares around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching hares again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of hares became so little that it was an effort to even see a hare, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy hares at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers; "Look at all these hares in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."
The villagers beat up the assistant because they had learnt their lesson last time.
Trouble
When I began his psychiatric practice, my first patient was a particularly good-looking young woman.
I asked her to lie down on the couch, but the woman hesitated until I reassured her that it was part of the therapy procedure.
Once on the couch, she smoothed her dress around her legs and began to relax a bit.
“Now then,” I asked, “how did your trouble begin?”
“Just like this,” she said.
What do you all a girl with one leg? Ilean
What do you call a Japanese girl with one leg? Irene
Did you all see the new scary about the killer cow?
It was horror-bull.
A dentist goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand-new Bugatti Chiron.
It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $1.5M. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
The dentist replies, “A Bugatti Chiron. It cost one and a half a million dollars!”
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the dentist proudly.
The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the dentist.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”
Just then the light changes, so the dentist decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rearview mirror – what it could be…and suddenly…
WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!
Something whips by him going much faster!
“What on earth could be going faster than my Bugatti?” the dentist asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Bugatti up to 175 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!
Amazed that the moped could pass his Bugatti, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Bugatti all the way up to 250 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!
The Bugatti is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Bugatti, demolishing the rear end.
The dentist stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”
It just cost me £1 to put air in my tyres. It used to cost 20p.
I suppose that’s inflation for you.
Anyone got some ideas on how to fix my noisy dishwasher?
I have tried flowers, chocolates, wine - and still she moans.
What does a health-conscious carnivore eat for breakfast?
Overnight goats.
My wife told me our sex life is like Usain bolt when he runs…
In the sense that I finish in 9.58 seconds