Things better not to say - random entries
... Jokes ...Simulation of monkey falling for same trick twice
Simulation complete.
... to your Boss ...I went to the gym and jumped on the treadmill.
People started giving me funny looks, so I started running instead.
... during Sex ...Foreplay during sex is bullshit. I don`t honk my horn for fifteen minutes in front of the garage before I drive in.
My low tire pressure light came on
I went to the air pump and I was shocked to see it cost $3. I was met by a sign that said, cost due to inflation.
What do you call a bunch of dildos on the side of the road?
Ding dong ditch
When Chuck Norris was a child, he sailed to the Atlantic Ocean, and at one point threw his magnet in the water
That point is now known as the Bermuda Triangle.
[First Date] Her: I’m usually attracted to men with power.
Me: That’s great, I always pay my electric bill on time.
Lionel Messi celebrated the World Cup win with dinner at a fancy restaurant
He sat down at the best table in the house and ordered a $500 meal. The soup course was first and he ate every drop, then wiped out the bowl with his napkin and ate that as well. He clipped his nails into the salad and crunched through it with relish. He shaved his beard, stirred the clippings into his glass of Malbec and drained the glass. When his steak arrived, he slathered chimichurri sauce on it, rubbed the steak on the curtains next to his table, and ate the curtains. He cut the waiter’s tie into pieces and wrapped them around the selection of cheeses before popping them into his mouth. He finished with a slice of cake: he ate the whole slice, licked the plate clean, broke the plate on the table, and ate the shards.
The restaurant staff was not at all bothered by this and the chef came out and applauded him afterwards - because everyone knows goats will eat anything.
A man told his wife to never look in the safe
After 35 years of marriage she finally opened the safe. She told her husband
“I looked in the safe and saw $40,000 and three eggs. What are the eggs in there for?”
“Well I’ll be honest. Every time I sleep with another woman I put an egg in the safe”
“Well… I guess I can’t be too mad. After 35 years of marriage you’ve only been unfaithful 3 times, I can’t be too upset.”
The husband says
“Well… every time I get a dozen eggs I sell them and that’s where the $40,000 came from.”
What happened in the Stranger Things / Bambi crossover episode?
No eye deer
my wife has started an NGO
for people into BDSM. Last night after coming from her NGO she was late for our date. I guess she was probably tied up in a meeting.