Things better not to say - random entries

Three philosophers walk into bar.
Three philosophers walk into a bar: a nihilist, a fatalist, and an absurdist. They all are served an empty shotglass, which they dutifully and gladly accept. The first two stay sober but the absurdist still gets hammered.

If Johnny Depp learned only one thing…
It’s that when you ask for fresh sheets on your bed, make sure you speak loud and clear

My wife said to me.
My wife said that I should get in touch with my feminine side. So I crashed the car. Then I ignored her all day for no reason.

Is there an airport near here or is it my heart that`s taking off right now?

Did you know the middle part of Louisiana is supposed to get snow tonight?
Sì

I like dillos, but I don’t support giving them guns because...
I would never armadillo.

And what are you into? Cookies! In bed did I mean? Oh, then rather cheesecake, it doesn't crumble like that.

I`m probably only single because I didn`t forward that stupid chain letter back in 2005.

Why do squirrels sleep on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry!

What is your best joke that only works spoken?
Sorry of this kind of post is not allowed, but please add your best spoken jokes (feel free to add pronunciations)

Jesus was the first person to be killed because people didnt like what he was saying
Does that mean he was the first celebrity victim of cancel culture? -Credit to Cunk on Earth

The Lefortovo prison is the tallest building in Russia.
You can see Siberia from the basement.

- May I buy you a cocktail?
- No thank you! Alcohol is bad for my legs!
- How so? Do they swell?
- No, they`re breaking up.