Things better not to say - random entries

What do a wife and an old car have in common?
It’s hard to get them to turn over on a cold morning

What is the favourite chemical compound of the gays?
Butanal

Is my wife dissatisfied with my body?
A small part of me says Yes

My neighbour started banging on my wall at 3:20am this morning, can you believe it?
Fortunately, I was still up, listening to music on my new speakers. I turned it up louder to drown him out but he kept banging and shouted “can we have a little respect please?” I shouted back “I’m not a big Aretha Franklin fan but OK, this one’s for you”

The newspaper had a story of two raisins that each cheated on their partners together.
I thought that was odd, but then I realised I was reading about Currant Affairs

Why are crimes so hard to solve in Alabama ?
Because their are no dental records and all the DNA matches

Man goes into a pet store looking to buy a pet fly
The shopkeeper says “We don’t sell flies”. The man replied “I just saw one in your window”

Make Honey bees die after mating. So their entire life is….
Honey. nut. Cheerio.

Where do forklift operators go to drag race?
The quarter aisle

We drink liquor, we drink wine sitting, standing and lying down. And once we`re angels, we`ll drink on the fly.

How does a samurai cut a non-binary in half?
They/them

What’s green and smells like red paint?
Green paint.

First day as an undertaker
A brand new undertaker walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How was the first day on the job?" the bartender asks. "Not good. Had my first funeral today and I managed to drop the casket as I was loading it into the car," the undertaker says. "Luckily my boss was understanding. He told me I just need to rehearse it."