Things better not to say - random entries

Retirement.
My nookie days are over, my pilot light is out. What used to be my sex appeal, is now my water spout. Time was when, of its own accords, from my trousers it would spring, but now I have a full-time job, just to find the blasted thing. It used to be embarrassing, the way it would behave. For every single morning, it would stand and watch me shave. But now as old age approaches, it sure gives me the blues. To see it hang its withered head, and watch me tie my shoes.

Why do female military use camo dildos?
So no one can see them cuming

What is the name of the ship that sinks after diarrhea?
The titashit

What does a Lumberjack gather at 6 AM ?
Morning Wood

tracks.
Two guys were walking through the forest and they came upon some tracks. One guy said those are deer track, the other said No! those are rabbit tracks. They followed them along the route to find out exactly what they were. Rabbit Tracks! Deer Tracks! Rabbit Tracks! Deer Tracks! This went on for some time. About a half hour later they were still following the tracks. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . They get hit by a train.

Before you marry a person,
you should first make them use a computer with slow internet service to see who they really are.

An ancient Greek philosopher actually invented capitalism.
His name was Bysumades.

Did you hear about the guy who decided to explore his sadness fetish?
A decision he would come to regret

I think my friend is lying when he claimed he reached the top of Mount Everest last year.
I’m not sure if…he made it up.

Why did the sperm cross the road
Because I came in a chicken

Me: “Happy Pi day!”
Her: “Aren’t you a few days late lol?” Me: “Sorry, I was being irrational”

Do cyber police officers actually wear Google-safe vests?

Dolly Parton joke
Dolly Parton appeared in a movie. The director was unimpressed by her singing and called her into his office. He said the songs in this movie are much more difficult and intricate than the silly, simplistic cornpone songs she usually sang. He yelled at her for an hour and told her too many of the notes she sang were flat. Dolly came out crying. Her friend asked her if she was crying because he called her songs simplistic cornpone songs. She said: Oh no, it’s just that nobody’s ever called me FLAT before!