Things better not to say - random entries
... Jokes ...I won $1M in the lottery
I gave a quarter of it to charity, and put the other $999,999.75 in the bank.
My pharmacist mixed up my prescription for Ritalin with Viagra.
I tried to pay attention but it was really hard
My favorite season is autumn; I love the pumpkin spice, furry boots and yoga pants..
My friends, however, told me that I look kind of gay.
my wife told me to stop singing backstreet boys songs
I replied, "tell me why"
... at Court ...You are a liar! How do you want to see my face when I had a mask on?!
What do John F Kennedy and Bill Clinton have in common?
Both of their political careers ended with a stained dress.
What does someone who studies time and an expert with prostitutes have in common?
They are both (w)horologists.
No shame for sex workers or time keepers, just thought it was a fun word.
The atheist and the bear
One day, an atheist man was walking through the woods. He was a proud atheist, never skipping the opportunity to mock those of faith for their ignorance and blindness to reality. He was enjoying his stroll through nature.
All of a sudden, there was a loud crashing behind him. He turned to look and saw a massive bear charging at him. He turned and ran for his life. He looked over his shoulder but there bear was gaining, it was almost on him! Desperately he poured on more speed only to trip and fall to the ground. He rolled and looked up and saw the bear above him, paw raised to strike! He threw his arms over his face and screamed “Oh God!”
Everything stopped. The bear froze, the birds stopped mid flight, even the stream pauses. And the man saw a light from the heavens and heard a voice saying “All your life, you have denied my existence. You have relentlessly persecuted my followers and attributed all my creation to a cosmic accident. And now you call upon me. Am I to now count you as a believer?”
The atheist, ever proud, replied “I suppose it would be hypocritically to be called a Christian after all these years. But, could you make the bear a Christian?”
“Very well.” Said the voice. The light withdrew, the stream started flowing, the birds continued their flight. The bear slowly put his paw down, and looked gently at the man, seeming to smile. Then he brought both paws together, bowed his head, closed his eyes and said “Lord, I give thanks for this food I am about to eat.”
Men height is a lot like product price tags
The first number does all of the work.