Things better not to say - random entries

Where does Putin keep his armies?
I don’t know but he keeps his tanks in Ukrainian farmers’ barns.

Ok guys, so l know where the Big Apple is. But can any of you tell me, I need to know where the
Minneapolis

Why did the shrimp break up with her boyfriend?
He was really shellfish!

How do you turn a pussy into a coward?
Give it a badge and a gun.

How do you know that Abraham Lincoln never did anything wrong?
You can find him "in a cent."

The insomniacs are getting all excited.
Only 2 more sleeps till Christmas.

Chuck Norris once got bit by a rattlesnake.
Dr’s did everything they could but couldn’t save the snake.

My grandmother walked in on me masturbating
I told her “Grandma, please stop masturbating!”

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They prefer to stay in the dark.

A Guy Enters A Bar At The Top Of A Skyscraper...
When he enters, the first thing he notices is a drunk man drinking who then says: "IMMA DO IT AGAIN". The drunk man procceeds to jump out of the window. The first man gets totally shocked, but he gets more shocked when he sees the man who jumped getting back through the door completely fine. He then asks the drunk man: "How did you do that? We are so high up!" The drunk man says: "Idk each time I drink one of these, it happens". Then the drunk man procceeds to drink a beer and jump again out of the window The first man watches him fall and stop almost before hitting the ground, then he says: "I gotta try this!" He drinks a beer, jumps and dies crashing to the ground. Later, the drunk man comes back into the bar laughing and the barman says to him: "You are SO annoying when you are drunk Superman..."

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

Have you heard the news of Pepsi deciding to change their slogan?
It is now officially "Is Pepsi okay?"

History Professor
A History Professor is welcoming a fresh intake of undergraduates and decides it is worth having a little fun to settle down the nervous young adults. He looks at the register to see which students are in his class this semester. “Do we have a Miss Butcher here?” He asks and a hand is raised. “Miss Butcher your surname originated in England amongst those who practiced the butchering of animals. Over time the profession attached itself to the family. Does anyone else know the origin of their name?” Soon a Mr Baker and Mr Smith have raised their hands and explained the origin of their names. But looking down the list of students there is a very difficult name that the Professor has never come across before. “Is there a Miss EFXFGAHLTYABGER here?” A hand goes up “And can I ask Miss, what is it that your family did?” “We made eye charts.” —— Adapted from a Jack Benny Program, I can’t remember which one but Jack was 39 in it.