Things better not to say - random entries
... Jokes ...Two girls in a small Dutch village are riding their bikes home from school.
One girl says, “I’ve never come this way before.” The other says, “It’s the cobblestones.”
My doctor he dont help either, he told me to run 5 Miles a Day for two weeks
I called him up I said "Doc in 70 miles from my house"
-Rodney Dangerfield
Someone asked me if I could have dinner with any world leader, living or dead, who would it be? I said, "Vladimir Putin...
dead."
A man summons a genie from a lamp
The genie says he’ll grant 3 wishes.The man’s first wish is for infinite wishes.Well the genie tells the man that he can’t wish for more wishes.So the man wishes for an umbrella.The genie does so and then ask “Why do you need an umbrella?”.The man then says “Now shove it up your ass”. With a painful groan the genie does so.He then says “Okay weirdo,what next?”. The man then says “Now give me more wishes before I make you open the umbrella”
I called a suicide hotline in Iraq..
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
... to your Boss ...One of my employees today complained that the sundae lids won’t fit.
I told her “Well duh, that’s because it’s Monday!”
They are so done with my bullshit today. Lol.
Most billionaires are really just rounded up millionaires.
The haves and the have yachts.
I love my job after the helium factory
Everyday I get promoted higher and higher
Me: “Happy Pi day!”
Her: “Aren’t you a few days late lol?”
Me: “Sorry, I was being irrational”
A Soviet joke
A group of friends stays in a hotel in Soviet Russia. One of them ended up in a separate room and is trying to fall asleep. His friends, however, are loudly talking and telling each other political jokes in the next room. So he decides to prank them a bit. Calls downstairs, orders some coffee to their room and knocks on the door. Then goes: guys, are you crazy telling all these political jokes??? KGB is listening! They are laughing, making fun of his fears. Ok, he goes, let me show you! So he picks up an ashtray and speaks into it: “Major, can you please order some coffee to our room?” A minute later the coffee he ordered previously is delivered…
Silence in the room, now terrified friends immediately go to sleep. He goes to his room and, after a good laugh, happily falls asleep.
The next morning he goes to their room to tell them it was all a joke… but nobody’s there! He goes downstairs to make an inquiry and a lady replies:
- Unfortunately, KGB officers took them away at night…
He’s in shock, then regains his composure and suspiciously asks:
- Wait a minute, if that’s the case, why didn’t they take me?!
-Apparently the major loved your prank!