Things better not to say - random entries

Skinny dipping involves a swimming pool.
Fat dipping involves a ranch cup and chicken nuggets.

What is Colgate Sensitive supposed to do if Colgate kills 99.9% of germs?
It kills 99.9% of them without hurting their feelings.

The beauty pageant
During the state finals of the Miss USA Beauty Pageant, Haylee, a beautiful 19 year old blonde girl with bright blue eyes, was asked “Who would she go back in time to kill?”. Without any hesitation, Haylee answers “Hitler, of course!”. The crowd erupts with a huge standing ovation upon hearing this very original answer. Haylee couldn’t help a tear of happiness rolling down her cheek because she never expected so many people to understand and feel the same way as she does; that with a more competent leader, the Third Reich would’ve blossomed and her perfect Aryan race would’ve ruled the world.

I uninstalled Tinder!
Accidentally...

Hot Shot CEO
A new company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid he company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business! The CEO, walks up the guy and asks - and how much money do you make a week? Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, I make $200.00 a week. Why? The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams – here’s a week’s pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back! Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks - does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here? With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters - That was the Pizza delivery guy.

What do you call an Eggo that burps?
A belching waffle.

Why are computers always supportive towards non-traditional gender identities?
Because they have billions of trans sisters.

Glass coffins: will they ever become popular?
Remains to be seen

How did the lawyer kill a demon?
When he ate his soul.

What do you call a woman with her head down a drain?
Ingrid.

a benzo addict walked into the dentistry office
The dentist said “you’re grinding even in your sleep”

My girlfriend is so loud and bulimic….
I’m always telling her to “keep it down”

A man is arrested for dog-fighting
In the interrogation room, the officer demands an explanation; “What do you have to say for yourself?!” The man answers “what can I say, it’s a dog eat dog world…”