Things better not to say - random entries
... Jokes ...A Russian man drives up to the border with Finland
The Finnish border guard takes his passport and asks the man - "Occupation?"
"No. Only a holiday."
An old Italian woman
An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $150 an ounce!"
The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly tuns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $175 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she bends over, looks both beautiful women in the eye and farts......."Broccoli Rabe .49 cents a pound."
What did the cell say to its sister cell when they ran each other over?
Ow, mitosis.
A famous Vietnamese chef named Quan Si Ho was opening a restaurant, but couldn’t decide what to name it.
His brother Bao Ho told him: “It’s trendy to name restaurants after their best dish and the name of the chef.”
“Oh really?” said Quan.
“Yeah,” Bao said. “Like LB Steak, or Pizza Angelo. You could call yours ‘Ho Noodles’ or ‘Soup by Quan Si.’”
“That’s it!” said Quan. “I’ve thought of the perfect name! I’ll go register it with the Chamber of Commerce now.”
A half hour later, Quan returns with a black eye.
“What happened?” Bao asked.
“I don’t know,” said Quan. “The clerk just punched me in the face outta nowhere.”
“That’s so weird! What happened right before that?” Bao asked.
“He asked me what my business was called,” Quan said. “And I told him, Pho Q. S. Ho.”
So do you think your wife will have a girl or a boy?
Well, boys run in my family. I am boy, my dad, was a boy. My grandfather was a boy, my great grandfather too. After that I lose track.
I went to a Korean restaurant last week
And can I say the meatballs really were the dogs bollocks
I tried to listen to my new Johann Sebastian Bach vinyl record on my high-end turntable but it kept skipping.
I guess the record was Baroque!
Two men entered heaven…
and Saint Peter said to the first, “Please tell me your name, your occupation, and where you lived during most of your mortal life”
the first man replied, saying, “Harry Jones, Taxi Driver, Southeast London.”
Saint Peter said, “Ah yes, now take your silk robe and golden staff and enter the holy gates of the Silver City!”
Harry then said, “Aw nice one geezer, cheers!” and walked through the golden gates.
Saint Peter then said, “And who might you be?” to the second man.
The man said, “I am Sir Jonathon Snow, high priest St. Mary’s Church for the last 43 years.”
Saint Peter replied with, “Thank you, servant of the LORD, you may take your cotton robes and wooden staff and walk through the pearly gates of Heaven!”
the man, outraged, said, “Hold on a minute Peter, why did that taxi driver get silk robes and a golden staff and I, worshipper of the LORD’s holy name, only get a wooden staff? Does he even believe in the trinity?”
Saint Peter replied, “I understand your confusion, young soul, but up here we reward based off of results! See when you preached, people slept, but when he drove, people prayed!”
The pirate comes up onto the deck
The pirate comes up onto the deck and finds the captain.
"The cannons be ready, Sire!" announced the pirate.
The captain replies, "Are".
This joke was brought to you by the grammar police.