Things better not to say - random entries

Did you know? Playing reggaeton muisic will help you plants grow faster
Though surprisingly they grow towards the off button of your stereo

When you said “friends with benefits”…
… I assumed you offered a dental plan.

What is the only organ in women that stays warm after death?
My dick

I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool; I didn’t want to go,
because I’ve put on like a hundred pounds.

The cock.
A farmer buys a cock. The day he buys the cock he fucks all the 150 hens the farmer had in the coop. The farmer is clearly angry. The next day he finds the cock has started fucking ducks and geese as well. He now even more angry than ever before throws him out in the open and leaves. An hour he finds the cock half dead and panting and vultures circling over his head. The farmer goes and shouts, “ You horny bastard you deserve this.” To which the cock opens an eye and quietly replies, “Sssshh…….. don’t make loud sounds they are about to land.”

My dad worked as a clown. When he died I didn’t want to follow his work.
It left big shoes to fill.

Why was the Tower of Pisa leaning?
It had better reflexes than the Twin Towers.

A bear and a rabbit are pooping in the woods.
The bear glances over at the rabbit and asks "Do you have trouble with poo sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replies, "Nope, never been a problem. Just lucky that way, I guess." "Guess so," the bear said, as he picked up the rabbit and wiped his butt with him.

why was the whale so rich?
Because it was whale-thy

You walk into a bathroom as an American
You walk into a bathroom as an American You walk out of the bathroom as an American What were you when you were in the bathroom? EUROPEAN

When Chuck Norris goes near a black hole...
The black hole gets sucked in him.

A lapsed gambler told his psychiatrist "I bet you could even cure God himself of a gambling problem!"
Following the disembodiment of the universe at a quantum level, all that was left in the void was a note saying "Critical Unitarity Error: Please call the Prophet Dirac for assistance."

Why was Twitter freaking out about Nelly’s face today?
Nevermind, I realize it was only just a Dream.