Things better not to say - random entries
... Jokes ...Rural farm joke
A Wife who lived in the country was out in her garden one evening. It had come to fall season and the wife had decided it was the time of year to harvest. In the garden was their young daughter, Debby, whom enjoyed learning the trades of her mother. Debby, fond of her mother’s talents and skill.
The husband had just then come in from the fields having worked a deal of hard labor, the light buzz of whiskey on his breath, and approaches his Wife to see how well she is doing.
“How are things out here, honey?” He entails with a grimace of contention.
“Well” She responds, while looking tentatively at her batch of fresh Cucumbers in front of her. “Just trying to decide wether to dice them or to leave the cucumbers to dill whole.
The husband, with a wry smile and a cunning joke responds “well, we can always work these sorts of happening out tonight. It just so happens I’ve kept an extra one from earlier today around just for the right time to dill whole.
Wife, now blushing smirks at the husband.
Just then Debby, watchful as she is, a bit confused. Confessed to her, “Mother, learning the trade as I am, I’d like a cucumber to dill whole myself later tonight.”
My mother told me my brother was in France to get Hormone Replacement Therapy.
That was how I found out she was abroad.
Vladimir Putin hires Amelia Bedelia as his new head of operations
First Bedelia embarks on a worldwide listening tour, recruiting every Russian diplomat and spymaster to gather as much data on each international province as possible.
Next, she seizes every factory and production line in Russia, tasking them to churn out a record amount of specialty foods and garnishes.
Finally, Bedelia commands the entire Russian army to hand deliver 7.9 billion meals— one for every person on earth.
With his economy ruined and his military in shambles, Putin asks Bedelia how she could have gone so wrong. She replies “I don’t understand… you asked me to deliver a new world order.”
I’m learning sign language…
Not sure if I’m any good at it, but I never heard any complaint.
The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks
I had to sell my car to pay the bill
David Byrne gets elected as U.S. president.
His first act is to issue an executive order to the U.S. Mint.
To stop making cents.
What did the 12 year old hillbilly girl say when she lost her virginity?
Get off me Dad, you’re crushing my smokes.
R/AmITheAsshole in a nutshell
I’m a farther of six wonderful children including my daughter Angelica, she’s currently with her mother because she’s “leaving me. I honestly don’t care if her mother takes her to be honest I mean what’s a…” Yurism” yeah we’re going to discuss this when she comes back home…I knew we should’ve just had one kid. Anyways before you judge please hear my story . Me, let’s call Alexander.Ham M40 had an “affair” if you can even call it that, it was just a small year-long affair whilst my wife was gone… I was in a really dark place I needed to blow off steam. I had to write a lot of papers and my son was born an Aries so I was under enough pressure. My wife went on this vacation with her sister and I met this young woman who was BANGING, I mean if you saw her oh boy… Anyways I banged her, and she said something like “ You know I have a husband and daughter right?” I, admittedly forgot that she had a family but we sorted it out… I payed her husband and I got to bang her. Six years later my enemy Thomas blackmailed me accusing me of Embezzlement and, obviously I wasn’t gonna let this sully my good name so I told everyone about my entanglement. My wife was kinda being a bitch about it she was like “ I’m divorcing you, and that was my cousin” AFTER she put my letters and ring in the fireplace( ngl overreacted) now she’s threatening to “take all our children” and she’s “staying with her sisters”. I mean it was six years ago and I got it sorted out so I think my wife is kinda being a bitch but idk, Am I the Asshole?
Bugs Bunny is probably the reason lots of people are sexually attracted to trans women...
and rabbits.
I paid a girl 10,000$ to have sex
I guess that’s what they call “fuck you money”