Things better not to say - random entries

I must confess, the best time I had in the military was when I was finally relieved of duty.
Usually happened daily, just after my morning coffee.

What do you call someone who eats cripples?
A vegetarian

Jimmy had been divorced for 10 years and had struggled in the dating pool.
His two boys had finally left the house and had both gotten work downtown as chauffeurs at the hotel. With a house finally empty, it was now Jimmy’s chance to find love again. Denise came into Jimmy’s life soon after and he was totally captivated. Denise was a widow and had no kids of her own. In fact, she hated kids but it seemed okay with Jimmy’s out of the picture. Denise and Jimmy fell hard for each other. Month after month went by until Jimmy felt like the timing was right. Jimmy asked her if he was her future. Denise replied, “im note really sure. I’m not sure how long it will last with your parking sons.”

What weighs more, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The ton of feathers because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

How do rabbits keep their pelts so clean?
They have hare supplies.

I started my first Facebook group a couple weeks ago.
It was called "Liberals with Common Sense". I just deleted it though, no one joined..

What do you call the genealogical chart of the Trump family?
A Bigot Tree.

My sex life is super. For example, I just slammed the door.

The little boy and the pastor
A little boy in a small town in middle America is sitting on the steps of a church with an open can of turpentine. Silently sitting there squeezing the can and forcing the fluid to bubble thru the top and then settle back in. The pastor arrives at the church and says “what have you got there my boy?” The boy says “the most powerful fluid in the world; turpentine”. The pastor retorts “I’m afraid that’s not so. Holy water is the most powerful fluid in the world. If you run it on a pregnant woman’s belly, she’ll pass a healthy baby”. Not convinced, the little boy responds “that’s nothin. You rub turpentine on a cat’s butt and he’ll pass a Bugatti Vehyron!”

Why was the computer cold?
It left its Windows open. * * Why was the computer hot? It left its Chrome tabs open.

What’s the condition when you can’t walk because your legs are frozen?
Your legs are in limbo.

Now that the nights are getting cooler, spiders are hiding under your beds. Sleep well.

I thought angels had wings!