Things better not to say - random entries

Did ya hear about the yoga instructor who got sentenced to 5 years for tax evasion?
“I can do that time standing on my head” he said.

Friend of mine now identifies as a cat
His pronouns are “me/you”

Why did the chicken cross the road
Cuz it was on its way to do ur mom ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ thank you I will be here all night

Alcoholic
An alcoholic goes to the the store to buy some whiskey. He tucks the bottle under his jacket and stumbles out the door. As he is stumbling thru the streets he gets hit by a car. He falls to the ground and feels something wet on his side. He puts his hand inside his jacket to see what it is. He pulls his hand out of his jacket and exclaims Thank God it’s only blood.

what do Germans call an overweight person?
Gross

I've never understood how to come second in biathlon? You have a gun!

There’s this cos playing dude trying to move me with the force while I’m a stormtrooper. I said…
If there was one left, it’s definitely not you.

Liquid bread makes cheeks red!

What does the baby computer call it’s father?
Data.

If you want to sleep with me, smile briefly.

My mum was a wonderful woman.
Despite being lay on her death bed, her dying words were “be positive”. She was an inspiration, always spreading love until the end; I love you mum. It’s such a shame she couldn’t tell us what her blood type was for the transfusion…

Apparently, when you drink a pint of Beer
You shorten your lifespan by 9 minutes. So according to my calculations, i died sometime in 1644.

Did you know Paul walker was a hippie?
Yeah, he was quite the tree hugger