Things better not to say - random entries

I HAVE THE DARKEST JOKE EVER! ITS TOO DARK FOR MOST MINDS! If you can tolerate South Park, you can tolerate my filthy joke!
The worst stoner in America...... Is Bill Cosby! ​ # GET IT!???!!!

Do I wear adult diapers?
Depends!

love themed joke request
Not sure if allowed so sorry, but I need some love themed mostly work appropriate jokes to tell my work crush at her request. Reddit please help!!!

“Did you know the Instapot can cook a whole chicken in under a minute?”
“Oh what a crockpot of shit!”

[NSFW] An alien couple visits the earth and asks a human couple if they want to do wife-swapping.
They agree and the day after the human woman asks her partner how it was. He says that it was really weird and asks her how her night was. She answers: "It was the best sex i ever had. He twisted his right ear and his penis became bigger and bigger and by twisting his left ear, it became smaller and smaller." After hearing that he says: "This explains why she twisted my right ear the whole night"

Two fish were in a tank.
One turned to the other and said, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

Where did Mary go after the explosion?
Everywhere

Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence.

Deaf accountant
The crime boss and his attorney meet with his accountant. “Where’s the $5 million you embezzled from me?” demands the gangster. The accountant is silent. “Where’s my $5 million?” the crime boss shouts. The lawyer explains: “Sir, the man is deaf. Allow me to translate.” Using sign language, the attorney asks the accountant about the money; the message relayed back is that the accountant knows nothing about it. Furious, the crime boss pulls out a revolver and puts it to the accountant’s head, screaming at the lawyer, “Ask him again where my f**cking money is!” “Okay! Okay!” the deaf accountant signs back. “The money’s hidden behind the old toolshed in my backyard.” “What did he say?” demands the enraged crime boss. The attorney replies, “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”

I have recently become known among friends and neighbors for being ruthless....
​ Stupid description for someone whose wife is named Ruth and who has filed for divorce.

I really got into investing in those DTF’s
But whenever I arrange a trade men come over and have sex with me for money. And i gotta tell ya this market has been a real pain in the ass .

An alcoholic walks into a bar.
What did you expect?

Did you hear about the partially deaf guy with immunodeficiency in his ears?
He has hearing aids