Things better not said - our best

I have such a cold, the table next to my bed looks like it`s from a 13 year old who just discovered online porn.

When he was growing up, everybody laughed when Jimmy Fallon said he wanted to be a comedian...
no one’s laughing now.

Did you know bananas are good for memory
My girlfriend put one up my ass a month ago and I still remember it

A spider crawled into my keyboard last night...
He is still in there. I have him under control.

I know a real funny guy named Ian.
Everyone calls him comedy-Ian.

Plans for a new railway in Oxfordshire scrapped
For many years, the townsfolk of West Oxfordshire were looking forward to the opening of a brand new railway from London to the market town of Witney The Witney - Euston line was very close to being green lit, but after a number of line extensions it ended up terminating in Bath. Shortly after that, all plans were shelved.

When the Mexican guy forgot his ticket to the water park, the employee let him in anyway
“Typically I’m a stickler about this sort of thing,” he remarked “But I’m gonna let this Juan slide.”

How are cannibal babies born?
The other cannibals eat the moms off them.

What are Michael Jackson’s pronouns?
he/he

Why did Superman stay out of trouble when he was a kid?
He had a lot of super-vision.

What does a girl say when she sees a huge dong?
Oh you don’t know? My condolences.

why did the southern cowboy lose the duel?
He was slow on that drawl.

I need a joke for an incredibly facetious uncle’s funeral - nothing would’ve made him happier than an inappropriate joke. I was thinking 782 or 9822.
But the real joke is always in the comments - please r/Jokes, do your thing! Help me out please