Things better not said - our best
... Jokes ...They say eating nuts gives you energy and focus in your thinking…
Does that mean eating almonds gives you post-nut clarity?
A man goes to the doctor and tells the doctor
"Please doc you have to help me. Everywhere I touch my self it hurts. If I touch my leg, ow that hurts, if I touch my arm, ow that hurts. If I touch my head ow that hurts.
Doctor looks him over and asks him " Sir where are you from?"
The guys says "I from Newfoundland"
The Doctor says "Son your fingers broken!"
Did you hear about the time traveling surgeon who can transplant any body part to an eighties soundtrack?
She got Bette Davis Eyes.
A guy is eating 907.18kg of meat intentionally
He’s eating beef willing ton
What do you call two cowboys in a hot tub drinking margheritas on a Tuesday in Sante Fé?
Iuno
What does Laura Prepon and Ariana Grande have in common?
The were both transgingered at some point.
What’s the difference between The Jackson 5, and cancer?
Joe didn’t beat cancer.
Was on a date with a lady
I asked her “would you like a pizza?”
She replied “no I’m eating light these days”
The waiter comes up and says “can I take your order?”
So I said “yeah can I have a pizza and can I get a Phillips LED lightbulb?”
Nevertheless long story short the date didn’t quite go down well…
Boss, I have good news and bad news
Whats the bad news?
Im retiring today
Whats the good news?
Im retiring today
My American friend says she is tired of using the imperial system of units.
Message me if you wanna meter.
"Every kiss beings with Kay"
Which is why I buy all my wife jewelry at BJs.