Things better not said - our best
... Jokes ...What can you add to any food to make it taste better?
The word "free"
Why don’t war vets play hide and seek with their grandchildren?
They’re in the trees
How do you call the group of *phrases* "what the hell", "who the hell", "why the hell" etc...?
wth questions
You hurt my feelings when you laughed at my typo
The day before the maid is supposed to arrive, my wife always cleans our place as much as she can.
I said: "Honey, do we really need a maid, or just the threat of one?"
After seeing watching videos and tutorials online, I finally tried to tie a knot using my tongue.
But I only ended up getting tongue-tied.
Why would you say “aye aye, captain” if your captain has an eye patch?
Shouldn’t it be “aye?”
What do you call the paleontologist’s hot old wife
A >!gorgeousaurus!<
(Click the black bar for the answer)
Why did post Malone get in trouble?
He left his girlfriend, Ho Malone.
Lionel Messi celebrated the World Cup win with dinner at a fancy restaurant
He sat down at the best table in the house and ordered a $500 meal. The soup course was first and he ate every drop, then wiped out the bowl with his napkin and ate that as well. He clipped his nails into the salad and crunched through it with relish. He shaved his beard, stirred the clippings into his glass of Malbec and drained the glass. When his steak arrived, he slathered chimichurri sauce on it, rubbed the steak on the curtains next to his table, and ate the curtains. He cut the waiter’s tie into pieces and wrapped them around the selection of cheeses before popping them into his mouth. He finished with a slice of cake: he ate the whole slice, licked the plate clean, broke the plate on the table, and ate the shards.
The restaurant staff was not at all bothered by this and the chef came out and applauded him afterwards - because everyone knows goats will eat anything.
Having a bad day at work…
An associate goes to the bar in the top floor of his high rise office building and orders a drink. The place is empty except for the bartender and a lone man at the other end of bar. While staring into his drink, he can’t help but notice the other guy pound 4 shots.
“Must’ve had a worse day than me” he thinks, and finishes his drink. He’s about to leave when the guy suddenly runs to the balcony and jumps off.
Completely stunned, the associate sits back down and orders another drink…because…he just watched a man jump off a fucking building.
Not 2 minutes later, the elevator dings and here comes the jumper, striding in without a scratch. He sits down and repeats this same thing 2 more times. As the man walks past the 3rd time, the associate stops him and asks how the hell he can jump off a building 3 times and not be dead or injured.
Guy buddies up to the stool next to him and explains; “There’s an air vent right below that pushes up enough air every 20 minutes to safely land you on the sidewalk.
Well, at this point, the associate is pretty drunk and thinks, “why not?!”
He finishes his drink and sends himself flying off the balcony…to his death.
At this the bartender finally speaks up; “Superman, you’re a real asshole when you’re drunk.”