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Anti-Vaxxer parents are like Confederates

They are fighting tooth and nail for something that will barely last four years.

You’re American when you go into the bathroom

and you’re American when you come out of the bathroom. But what are you while you’re in the bathroom? European

So I have an irrational fear of poop

You could say it really crappy situation

When he was a kid, Prince Harry asked his father, Prince Charles what was the best life advice he could give him.

Prince Charles replied: "Avoid tunnels."

Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?

It was over 90 degrees.

Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger are talking about making a new film together.

Sly: “I wanna show the world that we’re more than just action movie stars. I wanna make a movie about classical music and classical composers. I know you guys love that stuff too. What do you think? Will you help me make a movie about it and show the world how cultured we are?” Bruce: “I could play Beethoven. I’ve always wanted to play a tortured genius” Sly: “You would be great. And I’ll be Tchaikovsky. What about you Arnie?” Arnie: “I’ll be Bach”

What do you call the guy who graduated last in his class in med school?

“Doctor”

Did you hear about the two friends who always edited photos together?

They were sharecroppers.

Why does Damian Wayne hate Nightwing?

Because Bruce likes Dick over him.

I went to Sweden and met a girl

She held out her hand and said "Franc". I shook it and said, nice to meet you but my name is Bill. She scoffed and walked away. I guess she had a thing for guys named Frank.

Not to brag, but I was really big back in college…

I weighed 300 lbs.

I was woken up by the sound of my girlfriend crying.

I said, “what’s wrong, baby?” She said, “you were talking in your sleep!” I said, “What did I say?” She said, “You said, ‘It’s over between us, you fat, greasy pig!’” I said, “no! No, baby!… listen… you got it all wrong, honey…. …I wasn’t sleeping!”

What does a lawyer and a recovering alcoholic both do?

Pass the bar

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