The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.

What do me and a wii remote have in common?

We both have wii motion plus inside and dont use condoms

Where do you kick a Taliban?

In the Karachi

If I have a cold and blow my nose with a tissue

And then wipe my ass on toilet after a pooh with the same tissue.. Will my ass get a cold?

What is a vampire’s favorite ship?

A blood vessel!

Why does the Little Mermaid wear sea shells?

She grew out of her B shells.

You know why Mary and Joseph had to travel to Bethlehem for that census?

Because he never entered her as his wife.

At the pharmacy

Man walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist where he can find the Viagra. The pharmacists tells him he needs a prescription to buy it. The man smiles and says, - “Bullshit, I have $100 in my pocket that says I don’t need one.” The pharmacist looks left and right to be sure they were out of earshot, then replies, - “ how many do you need?” Th man says, - “I have 2 twenty year old French escorts spending the weekend with me. I figure I’ll need about 10.” The pharmacist concludes the transaction and wishes the man a great weekend. The following Monday morning the pharmacist looks up and notices the same man rummaging through the shelves. Eager to be of assistance, he says, - “Morning ….How can I help you today?” The man moans and says, - “I’m really hurting….I need a large tube of Ben Gay.” The pharmacist says, - "Ben Gay!!!???. Hell, you can’t put Ben Gay on that thing!!!” - “What thing???? Its for my wrist….The two women never showed up!!”

Home Depot sign said ‘Now Hiring—All Positions’

So I called to see if missionary and semi-fetal were available. They hung up. Quite defensive.

“Knock, knock…” “who’s there?” “I eat mop.”

“I eat mop-who…” “gross”

How did the Marx Brothers win the marathon?

...By Harpo-loading the night before

what did the ceo of twix say to the magician?

i to have some twix up my sleeves

2 kids outside a clinic

Two children, Johnny and Alex were sitting outside a clinic. ​ Alex was crying very loudly. ​ Johnny: Why are you crying? ​ Alex: I came here for a blood test. ​ Johnny: So? Are you afraid? ​ Alex: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger. ​ After hearing this Johnny started weeping making Alex feel surprised as well as curious and Alex asked: ​ Why are you crying now? ​ Johnny: I came for a urine test!

I refuse to talk to anyone who has less than 10 toes.

I am lack toes intolerant.