The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.
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A burglar breaks into a dark house…
…in the middle of the night and sneaks around in search of valuables. Suddenly a hoarse voice rings out: „I see you and the Lord sees you too!“ He almost has a heart attack and drops his flashlight in a panic. While he fumbles for it, the voice booms again: „I see you and the Lord sees you too!“ Trembling, he finally manages to get a hold of the flashlight and aims it in the direction where the voice came from. The ray of light wanders over a cupboard, an ugly faded grey wallpaper and finally, a parrot cage. „I see you and the Lord sees you too!“, says the parrot again. „Shut it, bird!“, hisses the burglar after a sigh of relief. Just when he is about to turn around, something else reflects in the ray of light… holy shit, it’s the eyes of a huge black dog sitting silently beside the cage. „Get him, Lord!“
A dentist goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Bugatti Chiron
It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $1.5M. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. An old man on a moped, looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?” The dentist replies, “A Bugatti Chiron. It cost one and a half a million dollars!” “That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?” “Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the dentist proudly. The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?” “No problem,” replies the dentist. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!” Just then the light changes, so the dentist decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be…and suddenly… WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster! “What on earth could be going faster than my Bugatti?” the dentist asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Bugatti up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Bugatti, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Bugatti all the way up to 250 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Bugatti is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Bugatti, demolishing the rear end. The dentist stops and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?” The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”
What’s the difference between a Snowman and a Snowwoman?
The position of the Snowballs
Who was the greatest Prostitute in history?
Mrs.Pacman! For 25cent she swallowed balls until she died.
I work as a security guard for Samsung
I guess you can call me a guardian of the galaxy
What happens when you cross Santa Claus with five shots of tequila?
Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer.
With so many people looking back at what they would have done before the pandemic…
…Hindsight really IS 2020
Apparently Mike Tyson has a tiger that he regularly plays with
That’s really irresponsible. He shouldn’t be messing with wild beasts of nature like that. I know he thinks he’s nice and won’t bite, but Mike Tyson has shown signs of aggression before
I told my daughter that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning.
She asked me: “How did you know it was on its way to work?”