The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.
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A guy walks into a bar waving a pistol
He yells “I’ve got a 7 round magazine and one in the chamber, now I want to know who’s been sleeping with my wife!” A guy from the back of the room calls out “you’re gonna need more ammo!”
A teacher asked...
A teacher asked Johnny, "What does a chicken give us?" Johnny replied, "eggs." "Very good, Johnny. Jessica, what does a sheep give us?" "Wool." "Very good, Jessica. Robbie, what does a cow give us?" "Homework."
What is the similarity between women at bars and parking spaces?
If you turn up late and all the good ones are gone, when no one’s looking, slip it in the disabled one.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked the professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There’s no time.”
O/C Everyone knows that a pirate’s favourite letter is Rrrr but what’s a privateer’s favourite letter?
The letter of mark that came from the King to the scummiest vessel he’d ever seeeeeeen
Having a bad day at work…
An associate goes to the bar in the top floor of his high rise office building and orders a drink. The place is empty except for the bartender and a lone man at the other end of bar. While staring into his drink, he can’t help but notice the other guy pound 4 shots. “Must’ve had a worse day than me” he thinks, and finishes his drink. He’s about to leave when the guy suddenly runs to the balcony and jumps off. Completely stunned, the associate sits back down and orders another drink…because…he just watched a man jump off a fucking building. Not 2 minutes later, the elevator dings and here comes the jumper, striding in without a scratch. He sits down and repeats this same thing 2 more times. As the man walks past the 3rd time, the associate stops him and asks how the hell he can jump off a building 3 times and not be dead or injured. Guy buddies up to the stool next to him and explains; “There’s an air vent right below that pushes up enough air every 20 minutes to safely land you on the sidewalk. Well, at this point, the associate is pretty drunk and thinks, “why not?!” He finishes his drink and sends himself flying off the balcony…to his death. At this the bartender finally speaks up; “Superman, you’re a real asshole when you’re drunk.”