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To all my techie, nerdy, geeky compatriots out there:
I got a date. Connection on port 443. Ok. Whatever path I took... it all ended in 403.
A Redditor posts a joke.
And within 2 minutes of submission he has 8 comments telling him, “that’s a repost and that same joke was submitted last month and got 3k upvotes. We only want original content here!” So he deletes it and moves on. Two months later he hears a new joke and posts it. Again within 2 minutes of submission he gets 8 comments telling him, “that’s a repost and that same joke was submitted 3 months ago and got 1k upvotes. We only want original content here!” So he deletes it and moves on. This time 3 months go by before he hears another and posts it. Same as before he gets comments telling him, “that’s a repost from 6 months ago that got 500 upvotes. We only want original content here!” So he deletes it and moves on feeling slightly defeated. It’s 6 months before he tries again. But unfortunately to the same results. The first commenter says, “That joke was posted 1 year ago to 100 upvotes. We only want original content here!” Very defeated now, he deletes it and swears he won’t try again. So a year goes by and he’s had a few drinks at the bar when he hears a man tell a joke. It’s the funniest thing he’s ever heard and the entire bar is in stitches. He can’t stop laughing but then he gets an odd feeling like he’s actually heard that one before. In his inebriated state it takes a moment to think about it, but then he remembers that was his original joke! He stumbles to the man who told it and says, “Hey pal, I posted that joke to Reddit 23 months ago, but it was a repost! It was actually posted a month before that! That’s not original!” The man gives him an odd look and says, “What the hell is Reddit? I stole that joke from a 9gag post I saw 3 years ago”
Two Girls [Original, Standup for Open Mic]
[I want to try this at open mic] “I feel like comedy is something that has to be super specific. You can’t go halfway with comedy and expect laughs. I’ll use a true thing as an example: I’m here tonight with two women. (pause) Obviously that doesn’t work as a joke. So, let me expand on that a bit. Still true. I came here tonight with two women: the first is one I’m dating and it’s trending pretty serious, and the second is just a fuckbuddy. The problem is, both of them think they’re the main girlfriend. (Gesture to the back) They’re probably sizing each other up right now. And I see y’all turning around like “omg I should record this” and some are like “you fucking asshole!” But you have to admit, specificity made this joke work. (Sigh) Now I gotta find two women willing to sleep with me and this joke will kill!” [end of joke]
How many trans women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one. Borrow the chair they just kicked.
Why shouldn’t autistic people get jobs in nuclear power plants?
Because they don’t know what to do when they’re having a meltdown
A man walks into a bar located on the 10th floor of a skyscraper
He sits down and asks for his usual "special" drink he drinks it, jumps out the window flies around the building and re-enters through the window and sits back down. A woman sitting next to him, reasonably shocked, asks him how he did that, the man replies that "its all in the drink". The woman eager to have a try herself orders the same drink, downs the whole thing, jumps out the window and proceeds to crash on the ground, instantly dying. The man laughs, in tears. The barman tells him: "superman you can be a real asshole when you drink"
we used to call them "food fights"...
...kids today call them "all you can yeet buffets"