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I relabeled all the jars in my wife’s spice rack and I’m not in trouble yet but...
...the thyme is cumin!
Man Walks into the Bar & Orders 3 pints..
Man walks into the bar, orders 3 pints, carries them to a table and takes a sip from one glass, then the next then the third. Back to the first….people look on curiously and eventually someone suggests buying one pint at a time and keeping the beer fresh. “I’m having a drink with my brothers,” he replies. “One brother is in Australia and the other is in the USA and at this time every week we each go to the bar and imagine we’re having a drink with our brothers overseas.” This routine is well received by all. Several weeks elapse then one day the man orders two pints, sits down and drinks in the same way.….immediately everyone crowds round. ”I’m so sorry….” “Had he been unwell?” “Is there anything i can do?” ”Everything is fine, thanks,” replies the man. “Both brothers are well but my doctor told me I’ve got high blood pressure and need to stop drinking alcohol for a few weeks.”
A guy told me he could throw a stick a mile and his dog would run out and bring the stick back
... but I thought it was far-fetched.
We’ve had a breakthrough!
A tortoise makes an appointment with his therapist “How’s everything going?”, she asks him. “Oh, you know, same old… can’t get laid to save my life. My mom’s crazy, she says I’m a shut-in, that I should get out more. But I know these fake turtle bitches are all full of plastic, they even like being choked with straws. Nobody wants a nice tortoise anymore, it’s gone out of vogue!” “I see”, said the therapist, “I think your mother isn’t being entirely rational. You’re not a shut-in. You are an inshell.”
A joke my nephew told me recently... Why do ducks have feathers?
To cover their ass quack
Why does Anakin Skywalker hate Metallica?
Because their biggest songs are Enter Sandman and Master of Puppets.
What did the clock say to the metronome after his stand-up routine?
The jokes need some work, but your timing is impeccable
Buying a fridge
Sales guy - "so this fridge is $4300" Me - "what is the difference between this one and the $3900 model we were looking at?" Sales guy - "about 400 dollars"
I once knew a midget with erectile dysfunction
Sadly, his life was extremely shortcoming
They say that there is a women behind every successful man!
I was horny so as usual I watched porn and jerked off, then I had the guilt so I searched how to become successful, They said behind every successful man there is a women Because success is measured in terms of money, and once you get enough sex the only thing remains is money.