Things better not said - our best
... Jokes ...Nursing home
Two old ladies were sitting on the porch of their nursing home rocking in their rocking chairs smoking cigarettes. As it starts to rain old lady 1 reaches in her purse and gets a condom package out, she slides it Over her cigarette to keep it dry so she can smoke it later. Amazed and curious, old lady 2 asks what that is, old lady 1 replies “ it’s a condom and you can get it at any local drug store” old lady 2 goes to the pharmacy the next day and walks to the counter, asks the cute young man behind the counter for a package of condoms, confused with her request, he politely asked what kind and size, old lady 1 then says “ oh it doesn’t matter, as long as it fits on a camel”
Vladimir Putin visits a school...
He asks a boy: "Who is your true mother?". "Mother Russia of course!", says the boy. Putin then asks a girl: "who is your true father?". "You, great president!", replies the girl. Putin then asks the quiet kid sitting at the back: "You there, what do you want to be when you grow up?". The quiet kid thinks for a moment and says: "An orphan!".
“Oh my God, that spider’s as big as my thumb!”
Today was a bad day to know Big Thumb Thurmond
A priest, a witch doctor and Satan walk into a bar
The bartender says, “what’s this? Some kind of joke?”
A man visits a very very small zoo during a work trip, in fact, it only had one animal.
It was a Shiht-Zoo
A local strip club was turned into a Catholic church.
The "no touching" rule ended with that.
What do you call a person with a sexual attraction to bicycles?
A pedal-phile.
I fancy myself an entomologist. I have a way with words...
...when it comes to bugs.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
Because she wasn’t wearing a seatbelt!
Two friends, a bird, and an elephant are on a plane
Two friends, a bird, and an donkey, are on a plane. The bird clicks on the button to call the flight attendant. She comes and asks” how may i help sir?
The crow responds, “ so i clicked for no reason.”
The flight attendant goes away.
5 minutes later, the crow does it again. The flight attendant goes “ yes sir?”
The crow responds” soo i did it for fun again. “ the attendant goes away.
Then, the donkey decides to do the same thing and presses the button.
The attendant comes, “ how may i help?”
The donkey says” i did it for fun!”
The flight attendant says” i have to kick u out of the plane.”
The crow shouts at the donkey,” WHY DID U DO THAT U IDIOT??”
the donkey replies” u did it as well”
The crow shouts,” but i can fly!! U cant idiot!”
A funny joke my dad once told me
What’s the difference between Disney+ and po*n hub?
Disney + wants you to hate your stepmother.
Football Odds.
The odds of Aliens visiting Earth: 100,000 to 1.
The odds of Manchester United winning the Premiership:
Ask the Aliens when they get here..
(Works with other teams as well)