Things better not said - our best
... Jokes ...Monkey in a Bar.
A guy goes walking into a bar with a pet monkey on a leash. He sits down and orders a beer. After a while, he asks the bartender if he would watch his monkey while he went to the restroom. While the man was in the restroom, the monkey hopped off the stool, ran over to the pool table and swallowed the cue ball in one gulp. When the man returned, the bartender told him.” Sir you’re going to have to pay for that cue ball. The man felt around in his pockets and told the bartender “I’m sorry I only have enough money to pay for my beer right now but I’ll follow him around for a couple days and when he passes it I will clean it off and bring it back”. The bartender thought about it for a minute and decided that would be ok. A few days later the man returns with the monkey in tow, walks up to the bar and hands the bartender the cue ball and after many apologies he sits down and orders another beer. After a while the man asks the bartender to tend to his monkey again while he goes to the restroom. The bartender says “I dunno man, you remember what happened last time?” The man assured him there would be now issues and the bartender reluctantly says ok. While he’s gone the monkey is sitting calmly on the bar eating peanuts out of the bowl. The bartender notices the monkey is sticking the peanuts up his rear end then eats them. The man is shocked and decides to say something to the man when he returns from the restroom. A few moments later the man returns and the bartender tells him what he saw. The man replies “Yeah, it’s no big deal. He’s been doing it a couple days now”. The bar man replies “You really don’t think it odd what he’s doing?” The man replies “No and honestly I can’t blame him”. The barman exclaimed “WHY NOT?” The man replied “Honestly you can’t blame him because ever since he shit that cue ball he measures everything he eats”.
My dad was such a proud union member his whole life …
When I was a kid, he began every story with “Once upon a time-and-a-half …”
What’s black, white, and red all over?
Some people say it’s a news paper, I say it’s Spider-Man.
Have you ever flicked a cigarette out the window and started to smell something funny?
Then you look behind you and your grandmas fingerbanging herself in the back seat.
When I went to the toilet, I left the door open so I could keep watching the movie.
The other passengers on the plane were slightly irritated.
A Russian millionaire is having wife troubles
He caught his wife cheating. They talked about it and she said she would stop. They decided on a vacation to the Bahamas to rekindle there love. They get on the plane, a private jet, and meet the pilot, named Jordan, they take the flight and get to a hotel. On the first night the millionaire decides to go to the pool alone and when he gets back he hears his name being moaned from the hot tub. On the second night he goes to the hot tub and when he goes to the pool he sees his wife having sex with another man.
He is pissed and confused so he decides to take another flight on his jet to bora bora.
He goes to the hotel and says “I’ll have floor 1”
Why do walruses love a Tupperware party?
They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal. *Giggity*
What do you call a black person in Japan? Hint: Ni__a
A Ninja, you bloody racist
Why did the eye doctor go to the bathroom?
Number 1 or number 2
Number 1 or number 2
What does George Washington have in common with Aunt Petunia from Harry Potter?
They both went to Mount Vernon.
Santa and his wife had a messy divorce after they both got colostomies.
After encouragement from friends and family, they both joined the support group for people with colostomies ironically named The Semicolon. Due to the help and support they got, they ended up remarrying.
Two independent Clauses were able to be joined as a result of The Semicolon.