Things better not said - our best
... Jokes ...The circus near me had a competition to find the best contortionist..
So I entered myself and won ...
What is the correct word: to exorcise or to exercise your dog?
The correct choice is to exorcise, as in to get the devils out. You do that by walking the dog.
If you do not believe me try keeping your German Shepherd inside with two short pee breaks a day and see what happens
A masochist and a sadist meet
The masochist says "Come on, torture me".
The sadist says "NO!"
My wife says that we need to cut back on certain baked goods because of inflation.
But I checked the prices of the cakes in question and they hadn’t gone up at all, so I confronted her about it and she said “it’s not the price that’s inflating, it’s you!”
The ultimate dirty dad joke...
I am the most stoned I have ever been right now. IN this moment...i am gone.
I am also probably suffering from a male yeast infection. I have never had one and it sucks. I am sitting there and then all of the sudden it came to me...
Me to my partner. "You know, with this yeast infection, I guess you can say...you make my bread rise"
I then literally yelled "LETS GOOOOO" because I felt the joke land
I think my daughter is dating a female spy
Its seems like a very advanced form of Lesbionage
Knowing the good employees
A banker was talking to an owner of a construction company. The owner said “finding field guys was tough, you can only find people that show up on time or show up sober.” That Friday, the banker came back from lunch a teller complaining about some construction workers made the bank lobby smell like weed when they were cashing their checks. The banker smiled and told the teller “Those are good guys, they always show up on time.”
Visited New York City last summer and asked a local how to get to Carnegie Hall
“Practice, practice, practice.”
My house was so windy it blew my window open and I struggled to get it to close
It was a huge pane