Things better not said - our best
... Jokes ...I asked my Mom if I could borrow some of her sleeping pills..
she said sure knock yourself out!
What does the Taliban eat while patrolling the mountains?
A Caliph bar
Today I taught my son a valuable life lesson by eating his homework.
Tomorrow he will learn that many people will not believe you, even when you tell the truth.
Mixed feelings
When you learn that your mother-in-law died in a car accident driving you new BMW.
How do you tell the difference between and Englishman and a Scotsman?
One says, "hey you, get off of my cloud," the other says "hey Macleod, get off of my EWE!"
A man with no arms and no legs is sunbathing on the beach
A beautiful woman walks over to him and says “awww you poor thing! I bet you’ve never been hugged before have you?”
He replies: “well, no actually I haven’t!”
She leans over and gives him a big hug.
“I bet you’ve never been kissed before either, have you?” she asks.
Once again he replies: “no, no I haven’t!” and she leans over and gives him a kiss.
Finally, she asks: “have you ever been fucked?”
He says “no, no I haven’t!!” And she says “well you are now, the tides coming in!!”
Pants backwards is stnap, and shoes backwards is seohs
but shirt backwards is smock.
Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats.
They stand at the bar drinking and talking about current cattle prices. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the cowboys looks at her and says, “Kin ya swaller?” The woman shakes her head, no. “Kin ya breathe?” The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head.
The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties, and runs his tongue all over her butt cheeks in a circular motion. The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the cowboy walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.
His partner says, “Ya know, I’d heard of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver,’ but I ain’t never seen nobody do it.
Why is Chris Rock like a used anvil?
They both got hammered by a blacksmith.