Things better not said - our best

What did the fish say when he swam into the concrete wall?
Dam!

Back in my day
I could walk into a store with only $30 and walk out with 4 porterhouse steaks, a case of beer, a carton of cigarettes, and a gallon of milk. Not anymore, too many fucking cameras.

I like my women like I like my snow
Lined up and from Colombia

What did the aging 007 say to his pharmacist?
Bond. Gold Bond.

Inspired by the Super Bowl commercial - What would an R-rated roast of Mr. Peanut look like?
The last time he almost got some action, the lady asked him if he had any protection. So he pulled out an Epi-Pen!

Why do Jewish people wear a kippa?
It’s half an hat it’s cheaper

what do you get when you cross a Jewish person ?
Christianity

It’s important to clean your sex toys…
That’s why priests perform baptisms.

What do you call a bunch of employees caught sleeping on the job?
A Dream Team.

Our local fish market ranks their catches on how rare they are
I noticed today that they had rare salmon. It definitely isn’t common plaice!

I used to be addicted to soap
But I’m clean now

It is cloudy and snowing outside, and I just realized I ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge.
Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.

What is the smartest piece of lab equipment?
A graduated cylinder.