Things better not said - our best
... Jokes ...I asked my boss, “Can I leave work early today?”
Boss: Only if you make up the time.
Me: It’s 49 past 70 o clock.
Boss: You’re fired.
Why don’t the lobsters in those tanks at restaurants and grocery stores ever greet us or ask us how we’re doing?
Because they’re shellfish.
Why did Sherlock Holmes like to go to Mexican restaurants?
Because they always gave him good quesadillas.
I was woken up by the sound of my girlfriend crying.
I said, “what’s wrong, baby?”
She said, “you were talking in your sleep!”
I said, “What did I say?”
She said, “You said, ‘It’s over between us, you fat, greasy pig!’”
I said, “no! No, baby!… listen… you got it all wrong, honey….
…I wasn’t sleeping!”
I went to Sweden and met a girl
She held out her hand and said "Franc".
I shook it and said, nice to meet you but my name is Bill.
She scoffed and walked away.
I guess she had a thing for guys named Frank.
Why does Damian Wayne hate Nightwing?
Because Bruce likes Dick over him.
Did you hear about the two friends who always edited photos together?
They were sharecroppers.
What do you call the guy who graduated last in his class in med school?
“Doctor”
Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger are talking about making a new film together.
Sly: “I wanna show the world that we’re more than just action movie stars. I wanna make a movie about classical music and classical composers. I know you guys love that stuff too. What do you think? Will you help me make a movie about it and show the world how cultured we are?”
Bruce: “I could play Beethoven. I’ve always wanted to play a tortured genius”
Sly: “You would be great. And I’ll be Tchaikovsky. What about you Arnie?”
Arnie: “I’ll be Bach”
When he was a kid, Prince Harry asked his father, Prince Charles what was the best life advice he could give him.
Prince Charles replied: "Avoid tunnels."