Things better not said - our best
... Jokes ...Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
Because she wasn’t wearing a seatbelt.
How do you distinguish Kanye from a deepfake attempting to hurt his reputation?
The more reasonable one is the deepfake.
Why is it that conservatives hate welfare and tax cheats so much?
They can’t stand the competition.
A man approaches an ancient temple seeking enlightenment
He hails the monk guarding the gate, "I have come to seek enlightenment for I know nothing"
The monk perks up, "Greetings, what is your name traveler?"
The man smiles, "I am Steve"
The monk laughs, "Lying so soon?"
When you grew up with ONE night light...
_...the one over the kitchen stove._
Mick buys himself a Harley Davidson…
Before he rides off on it, the dealer tells him that if it rains he should put vaseline on all of the chrome parts to preserve the look.
Mick takes his girlfriend to her parents’ house for dinner on the Harley. When they arrive, his girlfriend says that they do not speak at the dinner table during dinner, in fact the first person to say anything has to do the dishes.
At dinner, Mick decides to test this and grabs his girlfriend’s boob - silence. He then stands up, bends her over the table and starts shagging her in front of her parents. Still nothing. He then does the same to her mum, drilling her like his life depends on it it in front of them, still met with complete silence.
After he was done, he heard thunder and a storm brewing, so he remembers what the dealer told him to do and he pulls out his tub of vaseline, her dad stands up immediately and says: “Fuck it, I’ll just do the dishes myself.”
A young monk walks into a collection agency and asks if they are hiring.
Puzzled, the owner wonders as to why he would want to work here, as opposed to the usual route of spending years at a monastery, meditating to reach nirvana as was tradition.
The monk responds that he truly seeks enlightenment, yet he learned of a trick to speed up the process.
Intrigued, he told him to come with him as he was heading to a stake out, to recover a car that missed many months of car payments.
The monk seemed very pleased and eager, quickly following the owner to the tow truck.
While they were sitting, waiting for the car, he asked "so what is this time-saving trick you are referring to?"
The monk replied, I found out that >!The easiest way to earn karma, was to spend time participating in *Repo-Sting* operations!<
Putin and Lavrov are going hunting..
Putin and Lavrov go hunting. Suddenly wild ducks appear in front of them. Putin fires several shots at the ducks as fast as he can, but misses every single one... Lavrov sees this, crosses himself and comments : Oi a miracle. Dead, but they fly.
Edit : Translated and adjusted from serbian.
What did Clarence Carter say when he was feeling numb on the left side of his body and was losing his balance and slurring his speech?
I be strokin’!
I just found some cannabis oil in one of my kids room.
How many rocket launchers can I trade it for ?
As I was paying the cashier for my Christmas tree,...
...he asked, “Are you going to put that up yourself?”
I said, “No, I’m putting it up in the living room.”