The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.
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A Guy Goes Grocery Shopping
A guy goes grocery shopping & fills his cart with 1 Cucumber, 3 Carrots & a jar of Nutella. He heads to the checkout. The cashier looks at his items and says, “Oh. You must be single, huh?” “Yes actually I am. How’d you know?” replied the guy. “Because you’re fucking ugly.”
How do you stop a baby from turning blue?
Take it out of the plastic bag. (no joke, told by my 12 year old daughter at Thanksgiving dinner)
How can you tell the difference between an influencer and a computer scientist?
By checking how the pronounce the word “bios”
A friend of mine had a job at the zoo circumcising elephants.
The pay was poor, but the tips were huge
And then, I felt the warm liquid in my hole...
Finally the water had been unclogged from my ear.
You can always tell when a state has a hard-on for one candidate.
Because they’re not swing states.
As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $25 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: “10 pork chops, please.”
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of pork chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the “stop” bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -WHAP!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: “What in hell are you doing? This dog’s a genius!” The owner responds, “Genius, my ass… It’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys!”
I’m not at all proud of this one…What does Terry fox and Hitler have in common?
They both couldn’t finish the race
Did you know? Playing reggaeton muisic will help you plants grow faster
Though surprisingly they grow towards the off button of your stereo