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When God created Adam and Eve...
He said to them: I have two gifts to give you one is to do pee standing up and... Adam, very anxious, interrupted him screaming: M E... M E...I want it, please Lord... please... please... please... This would make life a lot easier! Eve agreed and said those things didn’t matter to her. So God gave Adam the gift. Adam was amazed ,screaming for joy, running through the Garden of Eden, peeing on every tree. He ran along the beach making drawings with his pee in the sand He lit a fire and played fireman.. God and Eve stared at the mad man with happiness, until Eve asked God: And... What is the other present? And God answered: A Brain, Eve ... The brain is yours !!!
I got this from my 12yo cancer patient as I was rounding today...
How do you put an elephant in a Safeway bag? You take the f out of safe and the f out of way.
The pickle factory worker
Jim worked in a pickle factory, and one day he got the strongest urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer. He knew he shouldn’t do it, but the urges were just too much. He went to the on call psychologist offered through his employer and confided his urge with them. First session: Jim: “I’m sorry doc, I just can’t stop thinking about it, what do I do?” Doctor: “well, I’ve got some breathing techniques you can try and it just might help.” Jim gives the techniques a shot, but to no avail. The urge is still there. 2nd session: Jim: “I just can’t stop thinking about it!” Dr: “next time you have the urge, think about all the horrible consequences and trauma that it will cause” Jim does this, but again to no avail. 3rd session: Jim: “doctor, I’m at the end of my rope here, please help me” Dr: “Jim, there’s nothing else I can do for you. You know the consequences, so if you do decide to act on your urge, then you know what will happen.” Of course, the urge doesn’t go away, Jim sticks his penis in the pickle slicer, and he’s subsequently fired from his job. He gets home, down trodden and depressed, and his wife asked him what happened. Jim: “I’m sorry honey, but I stuck my penis in the pickle slicer, and they immediately fired me.” Shocked, his wife walks up to him, pulls his pants down, only to see a fully intact penis. Wife: “what the hell happened to the pickle slicer?” Jim: “oh, she also got fired.”
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.
**The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity**
Why do lesbians use academy (the sports equipment place)
Because they don’t like dicks
The Flat Earth society have made a new documentary....
.....which has been nominated for the Golden Globe award.
Have you heard the news of Pepsi deciding to change their slogan?
It is now officially "Is Pepsi okay?"
I got myself a Crypto wallet and surfed the Dark Web, seeing what illicit "goods and services" were available, if you know what I mean?.
Chuffed to bits. Managed to get an appointment with a GP.
True story, I was in a line at a grocery store when an old woman ahead of me told me I looked like her dead son
She started crying and touched me saying you look just like him, the hair, the eyes, the smile. I just stood there awkwardly trying to hold it together. Before leaving she asked me for a strange favor - When I leave, could you just wave to me and say “Don’t worry Mom!” It would just mean the world to me, I miss him so much and he always would tell me that when he was alive. Reluctantly, I give in and agree to her request. After what seems like an eternity, I reach the cashier and she rings me out. The total will be $150 she says. Confused, I tell her that must be a mistake, I was only buying a candy bar and a soda, the total should be less than $10. The cashier says that’s right but your mom just told me that your covering her purchases. All of a sudden, my confusion turns into anger after realizing what happened. I burst out of the store and see the lady trying to climb into her car. I grab her by the leg and starting pulling it - just like I’m pulling yours.
Beach days ….
My friend tells me if you really want the girls to notice you at the beach practice your walk, get a nice Speedo bathing suit, and toss a potato down into the Speedo. This will drive the woman nuts.!! Well I did everything, but still had no luck. This is when he informed me that the potato was supposed to be in the front ……
79% of people don’t know opposite words for the following:
1) Always 2) Coming 3) From 4) Take 5) Me 6) Down