The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.

Dendrophilia

You know you’re a dendrophile when you see a tree and it gives you wood!

I had a blind date

And she had a date with Brad Pitt.

If a bluebird has blue babies and a red bird has red babies then what kind of bird has no babies?

A swallow.

If you bought a Ford Taurus at Pinklys Automart

You would have a PinklyTaurus.

What is it called when you poop a thin wooden rod?

A dowel movement.

Yo mama so old

Her chiropractor a paleontologist

Did you know that when you shoot different guns the smoke smells different?

For example a pistol won’t have a strong smell since it’s tiny. An Assault rifle would smell like a lot of gun powder for how fast the bullets come out. And apparently shotguns smell like teen spirit

My wife wants to have sex in the back of the car

And she wants me to drive

How do you tell if Lady Gaga is alive

You pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-poke her face

So do you think your wife will have a girl or a boy?

Well, boys run in my family. I am boy, my dad, was a boy. My grandfather was a boy, my great grandfather too. After that I lose track.

[OC] A gorgeous bartender puts up a sign that says “Men: ask me about your beards”

The first day a man walks up to the bar, orders his drink, then inquires about the sign. “What did you wanna know about my beard?”, the man with a long fluffy beard asks. “Well darlin, I’m lookin’ for a special kind of man”, the bartender says. “The kind that can tickle the inside of my thighs just right, if you know what I mean. You wanna give it a shot?” “I sure do!” says the man, and they go home together that night. After their session in bed, the bartender asks: “what is your name, and what do you do?” The man says “my name is Jim, and I’m a truck driver.” “Well, sorry Jim. Your beard was just too much. You’re not the man I’m looking for.” The second day a man walks up to the bar, orders his drink, then inquires about the sign. “What did you wanna know about my beard?”, the man with a five o’clock shadow of a beard asks. The bartender says again she’s looking for a special man who can tickle the inside of her thighs just right. They head home that night, and after their session she asks “what’s your name, and what do you do?” The man says “My name is Timothy and I’m an umbrella salesman.” “Well honey, your beard was too scruffy and irritating. You’re not the man I’m looking for.” The third day a man walks up to the bar, orders his drink, then inquires about the sign. “What did you wanna know about my beard?”, the man with a medium gray beard asks. The bartender gives the rundown yet again, and they go home together. The bartender is ecstatic during their session, quivering and screaming and in sexual bliss. She asks the man “oh my lord, that was amazing! What is your name, and what do you do?” The man says “my name is Timothy, and I’m an umbrella salesman.” The bartender looks confused. “You mean the same Timothy from last night? How did you grow a beard so fast?” “Well, I figured they don’t call it pussy for no good reason, so I shaved the neighbors cat and glued it to my face!”

Nerd Alert: Graffiti Found in the Science Building of a University

"Heisenberg may have been here, but not with Pauli."

How do you end an argument with a deaf-mute person?

You turn off the lights.