The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.
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Which one touches the ground faster, a feather or an emo kid?
The feather cuz the emo kid’s attached to a rope…
Advice writing jokes for a set.
So I have always been told I should be a comedian. My response was always “ I can only be funny in a situation. I can’t write anything”. But I now realize I make jokes constantly in my head. Has anyone here done standup and have advice?
A guy takes his wife to the doctor.
He tells the doctor that she is having chest pains. The doctor examined her and told her husband she has acute angina. The husband says “I think so too, what do you think of her tits?”
I’d wanted to learn karate
So I walked in a karate studio, but the receptionist’s first question was ‘do you have health insurance?’ I do have health insurance, but…. That’s the end of the story.
If lifeguards protect lives… security guards uphold security… and national guards protect the nation… then a police guard presence…
Makes sense they only protect themselves.
A man finds a magic lamp
A man finds a magic lamp, and after he rubs it a genie appears. “I am the Great Genie, you have three wishes, what would your first wish be?” “I wish for my crush to like me back” The genie then proceeds to hand the man the Bible. “Why the fuck would you give me a bible, I asked for my crush to like me.” “What your asking for is a miracle, I’m a Ge-nie NOT GE-ESUS”
A bear and a rabbit are shitting in the woods.
The bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says, "No". So the bear wiped his ass with him.
A bear and a rabbit were taking a dump in the woods
The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Do you ever get poop caught in your fur?" "Not usually." The rabbit responds So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
My friend is a dyslexic agnostic insomniac.
He lies awake all night, wondering if there really is a dog.