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If someone drops a couple pennies on the ground, I don’t think you should bend over and pick them up.

That’s my two cents.

Did you hear about the new drug trial where the tumors vanished in all 18 patients with rectal cancer?

The assholes won.

They should do a jet fighter movie with Andy Dick.

They could call it "Bottom Gun".

So i was taking a "nap" on my bed. I heard "Wake up"

and it was the an Ikea worker

A dick has a sad life

His hair’s a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor’s an asshole, his bestfriend’s a pussy, and his owner beats him.

I asked my wife, how can we afford to drive when gas costs $500 per gallon?

She told me I was missing the point

I Love It When The Earth Rotates.

It really makes my day.

Why was the nun kicked out of the convent?

She had a dirty habit.

Was someone squeezing the ketchup bottle?

Someone had flatulated. . .

My wife thinks it’s weird that I Star through the window every time it rains or snows

Maybe one day she’ll let me in

What Do You Call 100,00 Dead Pedophiles At The Bottom Of The Ocean?

A Good Start

Two Russian Guys are Drinking Round a Campfire

Discussing the ongoing situation in Ukraine. As the vodka continues to flow, the conversation gets more and more patriotic and they decide they need to do their bit for the war effort. So they decided to build a missile and launch it at Ukraine. They get an old septic tank, fill it with gunpowder and fertiliser, put a cone and some fins on it, point it in the vague direction of Ukraine and light the fuse. Once the fuse reaches the gunpowder the missile explodes in place flinging them both into the forest. Wrapped around a tree, bloodied and missing various limbs, one of them looks at the other and says. “If it fucked us so bad here, just imagine the carnage in Ukraine!”

Do you know the difference between a face mask and a chickpea?

No? So you wouldnt mind having a chick pee on your face then

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