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A thoughtful undertaker
A woman in her seventies was visiting an undertaker. She looked over her husband in his black suit and paused. She spoke directly with the undertaker gave him a check and asked if he might be able to find a blue suit for her husband. That was irregular, The undertaker said he would do his best. Just prior to the service the widow looked over her husband in a nice silk blue suit silk shirt and tie. She exclaimed to the undertaker that this was perfect. Then the undertaker gave her check back. She knew the suit had to be expensive and asked the undertaker what had happened. He said that a another gentleman had arrived for preparation for his funeral in a blue suit. And his widow had expressed the desire to have him dressed in a black suit. So the undertaker said we did the only thing we thought was right, we switched heads.
A woodpecker was acting crazy so they brought it to the veterinarian and asked: “do you think he got in to some marijuana?”
The vet said: “no, I think it’s a pileated.”
A grasshopper walks into a bar…
The bartender says “you know, we have a drink named after you” The grasshopper replies “really?! You have a drink named Steve?!”
Why couldn’t the police catch Jack the Ripper?
Because they were a rock band and not detectives.
I used to think revenge was a dish best served cold...
But then I realized it meant getting back at somebody.
I did a thing! Enjoy my hard work.
What did the Southern cowboy mechanic say when he first met a car that wasn’t a manual? “We’ll I auto be alarmed!” (NB - Manual is what we call it here - you might call it stick shift etc)
Its open mic night and Marshall Mathers impersonators keep hogging the stage.
Can the real slim shady please stand up?
I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are?
and he replied, “Aisle B, back."