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I once asked my 138 year old grandfather the secret to his long life
He said that he is a mod at r/jokes and he gains a second every time someone reposts a joke.
Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar
The Englishman walks into the bar, approaches the horrendous looking barmaid and asks for something to eat. The Barmaid demands sex for food. The Englishman declines quickly exiting the bar. The Irishman then walks into the bar and approaches the same horrendous looking barmaid. The barmaid makes the same offer - Sex for food. The Irishman then declines quickly exiting the bar. The Scotsman then walks into the bar, straight up to the same barmaid and asks for food. The barmaid makes her offer again - Sex for food. The Scotsman agrees and on the way through the kitchen to the bedroom swipes a cucumber from the counter. The barmaid and the Scotsman get it on and the Scotsman puts the cucumber to use ramming it up the barmaid as she lies on the bed screaming in ecstasy. As he finishes he throws the cucumber out the bedroom window and the barmaid happily makes him a big slap up meal. After the scotsman walks out the bar, fully belly and laughing at how he tricked the barmaid he asks the Englishman and the Irishman if there still hungry. "No they both reply, a cucumber came flying out a window so we ate that!"
Everyone on the internet seems to hate vegans, but I don’t really get it.
Personally I’ve ….never had a beef with one.
Three friends explore a cave
While in the cave, the friends find a genie’s lamp. Of course, as anyone in this situation would do, they excitedly rub the lamp. The genie of the lamp pours forth in a cloud of magical smoke. The genie begins his spiel: “Gentlemen, for summoning me forth from the lamp, I shall give each of you 3 wishes. What will your first wish be?” The first friend speaks up immediately. He shouts out “I want to own a mansion!” The genie nods and snaps his fingers. In a puff of smoke, the deed to a property appears in the man’s hand. The second friend smiles and excitedly says “i wish I was married to the most beautiful woman in the world!” The genie nods and snaps his fingers. In a puff of smoke, there appears a wedding band on the man’s hand. The third friend scoffs at the first two. “Ha! You guys are so dumb. I wish my left arm would swing clockwise like a windmill for the rest of my life!” The genie gives him a look but shrugs and snaps his fingers. In a puff of smoke, his left arm swings clockwise like a windmill. The first two friends exchange a worried look with one another, but ultimately shrug. The genie asks “and for your second wish?” The first friend takes his turn. He says “I wish I owned a Bugatti!” The genie nods and snaps his fingers. In a puff of smoke, the keys to a brand new Bugatti Chiron appear in his hand. The second friend thinks for a minute and says “I wish I was the most attractive man on the planet” the genie nods and snaps his fingers. In a puff of smoke, the man grows a few inches taller, his gut sinks in and firms up with abs, his jawline gets more defined. He truly is a gorgeous man now. The third friend rolls his eyes and laughs at his friends. “You guys are so predictable. Let me show you how it’s done. I wish my right arm would swing counterclockwise like a windmill for the rest of my life!” The genie just stares at the third friend in bemused annoyance for a couple seconds before sighing and snapping his fingers. Sure enough, a puff of smoke and his arm starts rotating. The genie looks back at the other two and perks his eyebrow and points his thumb over at the third friend in a universal “what’s up with that guy?” gesture. The first two men shrug and put their hands up in a universal “don’t look at me!” gesture. The genie shrugs and says “okay, it is now time for your final wish. What will it be?” Friend number one takes a minute to think, admittedly distracted by his friend’s spinning arms. Finally he says “I wish I had an infinite amount of money. I never want to run out.” The genie nods his head and snaps his fingers and in a puff of smoke, a shiny black credit card appears in his hand. The second man takes his time coming up with his third wish. Ultimately, he decides and says “I wish I could stay in peak physical condition for the rest of my life.” The genie nods and snaps his fingers. A puff of smoke and suddenly all the minor aches and pains disappear. He is now in perfect health. The third friend nods, impressed. “Ya know what? Those last wishes were pretty good, but I still got you guys beat easy! I wish that my head would bob up and down for the rest of my life!” The genie pinches the bridge of his nose in defeat and snaps his fingers. A puff of smoke and the man’s head starts bobbing up and down. The 3rd man can now barely see straight, but that doesn’t stop him from laughing at his friends. “Man I’m so good at wishing for stuff! You’ll see! Why don’t we meet up again in 10 years and we’ll see who’s had the best time with their wishes?” The first two men agree to the third man’s idea. The genie snaps his fingers once more and the three men are back in their own homes to live their lives with their new gifts. Ten years pass and the friends meet up to discuss who made the best wishes. Friend number 1 is dressed in the fanciest personally-tailored suit you could imagine. He has designer sunglasses, a diamond-crusted Rolex, rings made of pure platinum. It is obvious this man has enjoyed the intervening years. “I really think I made the best wishes. I mean, I’ve literally never run out of money no matter what I buy!” The second friend is just as picturesque as he was when the three of them left the cave. He responds “I’m glad you’ve never wanted for things, dear friend, but I’ve never had so much as a sniffle since our time in the cave!” The two men expectantly look over at the 3rd companion. He sits in his chair facing the two of his friends, his left arm swinging clockwise like a windmill, his right arm swinging counterclockwise like a windmill, and his head still bobbing up and down interminably. He says to his friends “guys… I think I fucked up.” (Admittedly, it is better when acted out lol)
A guy walks into an optician
A guy walks into an optician and says: I think I need a new pair of glasses. “I think so too sir. You’re in a bakery.”
When vegans get into an argument is it still called beef?
I have no idea. But if it gets physical, all vegans know the art of foot karate. They call it tofu.
Two old friends were catching up at a bus stop
Did you hear about Miles Moore from college? No… what’s up? Well apparently he is marrying Tina Eye… Oh wow! Also his dad got a big promotion at the Construction site and then announced he was becoming a woman a few days later… Oh really? Yeah… he is introducing his parents to hers next week… So Trans-Foreman Moore will meet the eyes!
Sperm bank
So I went into a sperm bank to give a sample. I saw the hottest receptionist there and was hoping she would help me out “wink wink”. To my surprise she did help me! She handed me a cup, lube and a stack of magazines.