The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.
New at better-not-say-it.com: Our hot joke section. Have fun laughing with our sensationally funny jokes:
A guy goes to a restaurant with his friends really hungry..
He orders all the appetizers for the party mozzarella sticks, nachos, fried pickles, etc.. except for one. The waiter asks “Sir you ordered all the starters but our world famous wings, are you sure you don’t want to order some for the table?” The guy says “if I got wings for the table all my food would fly away!!”
Why should you knock on a refrigerator door before opening it?
In case there’s a salad dressing
Why is it so much easier to fall asleep on the couch unintentionally...
....then to fall asleep in bed intentionally?
A man faced execution by firing squad and was asked by the officer in charge if he had any last words...
Safely behind his men, the officer shouted, "SQUAD! PREPARE TO FIRE ON MY MARK! I WILL COUNT DOWN AND GIVE THE ORDER TO FIRE! PRISONER, DO YOU HAVE ANY FINAL WORDS? THREE!" The prisoner said, "Yes sir, I do." The officer shouted, "WHAT ARE THEY? TWO! The prisoner shouted "ABOUT..... FACE!" The officer shouted "FIRE!"
Have a "nice" day!
Today, June 9th... People in countries with more logical date formats: "Have a nice day. " People in the US: Have a "nice" day. ;-)
Our local pizza guy has been arrested for selling drugs
I have been a loyal customer for years. I honestly had no idea he was selling pizzas
Mechanic: I have terrific news! Your car will never break down again...
... minus the down part
What do you call allies who color things in rainbows to show support for Pride month?
Dye-er Straights!
A man goes to Africa to hunt big game animals.
He arrives jet lagged and checks into the penthouse of a princely hotel to rest. The man comes down for supper and there meets a fellow hunter. “It was a good day today,” the hunter tells the man excitedly. “I bagged 2 wildebeest, 3 zebras, 1 lion, and 2 monopolies! I can’t wait for my next hunt tomorrow morning!” The man, still quite tired from his flight, gives the hunter a half-hearted gesture of approval as he focuses on his meal. “That’s quite the haul,” he says with an air of disinterest, cutting off the conversation. He finishes his meal quietly and retires to his room. The next morning, the man comes down refreshed and ready for the day. He sees the hunter in the lobby and turns to say hi. “Good day, sir. How was your hunt this morning?” Still full of enthusiasm and energy, the hunter beams. “Fantastic! This morning I got 2 impalas, 3 water buffalos, 2 crocodiles, 1 elephant, 3 monopolies-“ “Excuse me,” interrupts the man, “but what are monopolies?” “Is this your first big game hunt?” Asks the hunter. “Yes. I have my permits, guide, and camp makers ready to go.” “You’re in for the time of your life! Don’t delay, get out there! You never know what fascinating creatures you’ll conquer! It’s you and your rifle against the greatest creations. God speed! Good day!” And with these words the hunter leaves. The man considers for a moment, then calls a start to his own hunt and gathers his rifle and team. His expedition heads out into the wild. On the hunt, the man’s team lead him deeper and deeper into the bush. They guide him safely around a watering hole where crocodiles lie in wait, through the tall grass where lions stalk their prey, to the edge of a great green hedge amidst the grass. The man hears something ahead as the grass bristle begins to sway around him. Noise fills the air to the left and right ahead and the ground beneath his feet rumbles. Suddenly, there is an enormous crash of wood breaking directly in front of the man and an elephant bursts through the hedge. The elephant charges the man, trumpeting its rage as it runs, swinging its tusks violently. The man steps back momentarily in fear, but the grip of his rifle in his hands brings him back to the present. He drops to one knee, takes aim, and squeezes the trigger. The shot rings out and the elephant falls dead within 5 feet of the man. The man stands over his kill, still shaking with adrenaline from the hunt. Suddenly the sound of sticks breaking erupts again, the hedge begins to shake from all sides and converges rapidly. The man, now a hunter, does not hesitate this time. He turns and fires decidedly into the bush on his right, the sound from that direction dies. He aims left when a man steps out. “It’s me! No! Please!!!”