The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.
New at better-not-say-it.com: Our hot joke section. Have fun laughing with our sensationally funny jokes:
I have decided not to make sexist or drug jokes from now, rather will give stock market and business advice...
I have decided not to make sexist or drug jokes from now, rather will give stock market and business advice... Its a good time to buy condom companies stocks, as condom sales are gonna double in the coming time. With abortion illegal people are gonna use two condoms at once. Also maybe buy a large stock of drugs, because women who cannot get abortion will need them during depression.
A man walks into a bar with a small man on his shoulder
He slaps down 5 $100 dollar bills and yells "drinks for everyone". A cheer goes up. The bartender goes up and down the bar filling drinks. The little man jumps off his shoulder and runs up and down the bar kicking over all the drinks. The man shakes his head and slaps down another $500 "drinks for everyone" he says. Once again the bartender pours all the drink. The little man jumps off his shoulders and kicks over all the drinks. The man shakes his head and slaps down another $500 "drinks for everyone" he says. Just a minute buddy, the bartender says, what the hell is going on here. Well the man says, I was walking on the beach and I came across a lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared. He told me that I had three wishes. First I wished for unlimited wealth. As you can see, I have as much money as I could possible want. Second I wished for a beautiful women and she appeared, the most gorgeous women I have ever seen. Third, I wished for a 12" prick and there he is.
What’s the difference between drinking Vodka and Bleach
Drinking one is an acident and drinking the other makes you based.
Respect people who wear glasses.
They paid money to see you and some have contacts.
What does a biologist scream when they go to the beach and the sand is too warm?
Mitosis!
What’s a fairly common work duty that everyone seems to hate, but a pimp might enjoy having?
Doing Inventory.
I might be a sleep paralysis demon
So I’m up later than I was supposed to be, and I’m pretty thirsty. I go downstairs, but then I hear footsteps on my other flight of stairs. I stupidly dove into the bathroom at the last second to avoid being seen. My mother entered and saw a looming figure in the corner of the bathroom with no lights on at two a.m.. She did the reasonable thing and shrieked at the top of her lungs. T.L.D.R. I hide in a dark corner and get found resulting in a scream.
This one my colleague told me… [LONG]
There was once a boy called Johnny and his favourite thing in the whole world, was tractors. He owned little model tractors, paintings of tractors, he watched tv shows about tractors and every now and again, was lucky enough to go to a tractor convention. One particular year, Johnny was able to go to a really special convention. This one had the worlds oldest tractor, so of course he begged his mum to go and the following day, they were on the way. They arrived and Johnny was in awe at the worlds oldest tractor. The owner of this tractor spotted Johnny staring at this tractor in pure astonishment. He went over and spoke to him. “This looks like it’s grabbed your interest, is that right?” Johnny nods. “I’ve never seen anyone be so fascinated by a tractor before. You wanna ride in it?” Again, Johnny nods and get’s in the Tractor. Off they go around the little farm and Johnny is having a great time. Up ahead, there are some cows crossing the dirt path so the tractor owner applies the brakes. With the tractor being so old, it has no form of seatbelt, so Johnny goes right out of the front. The tractor also has terrible brakes that take a while to come to a halt, so… the tractor runs over poor Johnny’s legs. After being rushed into hospital and being treated for his injuries, Johnny wakes us to see both of his legs missing. In the room, he also noticed a new wheelchair and starts to accept that this is his new life. After a little while, Johnny’s mum comes in with her friend, and her friend’s daughter called Ella. Johnny and Ella start chatting and they hit it off, texting everyday, organising little dates… one day, Johnny even got the courage to ask Ella to the school prom. She would say yes of course! Finally, the night of the prom came. Johnny met Ella around the front of the school hall, he kissed her on the cheek and they finally went in. They were both excited and happy to be with each other. After getting into the hall, Ella noticed the slightly smoky floor from the SFX machines. She started panicking, and coughing, panicking more and coughing more. She rushed outside and Johnny quickly followed. He was worried and asked her what was wrong. “When I was younger, I was in a serious house fire and got caught in a lot of smoke. It damaged my lungs a little but it’s stuck in my head ever since. Seeing that smoke just scared me”. Johnny, feeling like a hero, said “wait here”, he rushed inside of the hall and with all of his might, sucked up all of the smoke in the building. He held it inside and rushed outside before letting it all go into the air again. He invited Ella back inside, and she was amazed. “Johnny oh my god how did you do that?!” Ella said in utter disbelief. “I’m an Ex-tractor fan”
What did the scientist say right before he tested his newly finished machine that could transform humans into small crustaceans?
“I’m going to Krill myself”