The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.
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Passed a crime scene today…
…some jerk was taking a nap right in the middle of everything.
I was driving past a mental asylum
I was driving past a mental asylum when all of a sudden my tire comes off and rolls down the hill along with the nuts. I was so angry I started cussing on my way down the hill to collect the tire because I couldn’t find the nuts, which grabbed the attention of someone in the asylum, he said I seen what happened, why don’t you take one nut from the three remaining tires and head into the to a repair shop? I was surprised, it was a good idea, I asked the man if he worked at the asylum and he said he was an inmate. I asked what he did and he said I can’t tell you but I can show you, he said I have been working with grasshoppers and I think I have an award winning theory, watch this, the inmates pulled out a match box an opened it, he then said “jump out” and the sure enough a grasshopper jumped out, I was so amazed, he then said “jump in” and sure enough the grasshopper jumped right back into the matchbox. I said to the inmate, that was really impressive but it doesn’t explain why he is in an asylum. The inmate said you didn’t let me finish, the inmate picked up the grasshopper and pulls off its legs and lays it down. “jump in, jump in” - see said the inmate, my theory is if you pull the legs of a grasshopper it goes deaf.
Why did the dog cross the road, roll in the dirt, and cross the road again?
Because he’s a dirty, double-crossing son of a b*tch.
Why did the stick of dynamite post on Reddit?
Because it wanted to see something blow up.
The chicken farmer
A chicken farmer is visited by an official looking person one day. The farmer has no clue who the visitor is. The visitor asks "What do you feed your chicken?" The honest and innocent farmer says "they just pick worms in the fields and eat whatever seeds and grains they can get hold of". Turns out the visitor is from department of agricultural standards and the farmer has to pay $1000 fine for improper treatment of livestock. A few weeks later, another official looking guy comes to visit and asks the same question. "What do you feed your chicken?" The farmer is now smarter and says "I give them organic almonds, cashew and caviar". The officer is from the tax office and the farmer ends up paying $1000 fine for undisclosed income that is sustaining this lavish lifestyle of his chicken. A few weeks later another officer comes visiting and asks the same question "What do you feed your chicken?" The farmer is really in a tight spot now and has learnt from his previous experience. He thinks for a while and says: "Well, I give them 20 cents every morning and they go buy themselves whatever damn thing they please from the supermarket".
A Jew, Muslim and Christian are in a bar
A Jew, Muslim and Christian are in a bar. They are arguing about which religion is the best at recruiting new followers. In the end they all decide to each go into the woods over the week and find a bear. They are then to try and convert that bear to their religion. A week goes by and they all meet up again to discuss their results. “Well,” says the Muslim “I found my bear and read to him from the Quran and the teachings of Muhammad. He is currently planning a pilgrimage to Mecca!” He declared proudly. They others murmured “Nice, very nice.” “I also found a bear.” Quipped the Christian. “I read to him from the Holy Bible and taught him if our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. He is gettting baptized this Thursday.” “Not bad” the others murmured. The Christian and Muslim looked down at the Jew, who was in a full body cast. The Jew sat quietly for a moment before quietly saying “In hindsight, maybe I shouldn’t have started with circumcision.”