The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.

Whenever you act like a jerk, you’re always saying that Mercury is in retrograde.

But maybe it’s just because Uranus is prolapsed.

My goldfish are named Major, Minor, Dorian, Mixolydian, and Pentatonic.

The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.

So today...

I asked a friend when their birthday was. They told me March 1st So I stood up, walked around the room and asked again

Was going to buy a zombie video game but it had been sold it earlier that week

It was days gone

I divorced my wife because she was too loud in bed.

I could hear her from two houses down the street.

Lawyers…

Why did the lawyer name the new company “Boobs Ltd.” ? Because he only wanted fun entities

Why don’t you buy a women a watch?

Because there’s a big-ass clock on the stove

What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?

I want you inside me.

What is the difference between America and a yogurt?

If you leave the yogurt for 200 years, a culture is formed.

Chuck Norris called 911

And asked if they needed help.

Just been to the doctors and she diagnosed me as paranoid…

We’ll, she didn’t say that but I know that’s what she was thinking.

Fraud High Court

**Witness**: ...and then, Your Honour, this woman approached me and passed me this 50 pound note. **Judge**: Counterfeit? **Witness**: Yes, Your Honour, she had two.

My wife asked me what my favourite part of a blow job is.

I should not have said the 5 minutes of peace and quiet.