The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.
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Why isn’t Vladimir leaving Ukraine?
Because his name is Vladimir Putin. Not Vladimir Pullout
My mate just lost his job because he slept with one of his patients…
Absolutely devastated. 7 years of medical training and hard work resulting in a friend being struck off for a minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients. He is no longer able to continue in the profession he loves and has dedicated his life to for the past 7 years, all because he had sex with one of his patients!? It just doesn’t make sense to me. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet! Gutted for him.
A joker was making jokes on Muslim people in a crowded bar.
It was getting more and more funny. People were laughing their heads off. Suddenly a man stood up and said, “Hey stop making these jokes. I got a very crazy and angry cousin who will beat you up” The joker replied, “Wait a second bro. No need to get your wife involved”
I recently moved into an igloo. My friends threw me a house warning party.
Now I’m homeless.
What do you call a straight white male from Latvia, Estonia, Lithuania, or Ukraine?
CIS gendered
blonde walks into a bathroom
She starts trying to do her hair and makeup, she starts screaming and ranting that the mirrors broken and storms out. The other blonde stands perplexed and quietly asks the brunette washing her hands...................am i a broken mirror!!!!!!
Magical Octopus
There was once a Man who traveled with the local fair, portraying his Magical Octopus. One fair a little boy cam up and said "how is he magical?" the man replied with " he can sing and play any instrument" so the little boy handed over his harmonica to the octopus. The octopus glanced at it, picked up the harmonica, and started belting out a beautiful harmonic tune. Hearing the beautiful sound, more and more people came over to the booth, to see the magical octopus. Another man brought fourth a banjo - and once again the octopus picked it up, got situated with it, and then brilliantly performed a country tune. A woman brings up a saxophone and - yes once again the octopus played a soulful tune with a lovely deep vocal verse. The crowd cheered and applauded the octopus for his wonderful performance, but it was short lived as a large Scottish man cut through the crowd and violently slams his Bagpipes in front of the octopus. The Scottish man spouted- "Here octopus play these!" The Octopus looked at them and began to slither in between the individual pipes The Scottish man seeing this howled at the crowd "you see , his octopus cannot play the instrument of my land!" Frightened by the commotion, the Man said "Dont be silly, Octopus!, Play the Bagpipes !" The Octopus still entwined,looked up at the Man and said "PLAY IT,I WANT TO FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF IT!"
No intimacy for two months…
My husband was sick for a good while.. Like over 2 months. So of course no intimacy… Yesterday he saw me changing , he pointed at my privates and said “ oh, your penis is missing “ True story…
And old man visits a priest
An older man was riding his moped in a snowstorm to visit a priest to tell him that his 12th child had been born that day. Since the man was old and had a bit of trouble hearing, he thought ahead to what the priest would say so he could answer him. ”First he’ll say hello and then he’ll probably ask me how I managed to get there in such a snowstorm.” When the man reached the priest’s house, the following conversation was had: Priest: Hello Old man: Hello Priest: How have you managed to father twelve children already? Old man: There’s nothing to it, just strap in your beanie and helmet, and ride the old girl as fast as you can.
A jew, a transwoman and a black man walks into a bar
The bartender says "get the fuck out".