The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.

Growing Weed

My neighbour just got arrested for growing Weed, I guess the property line isn’t where i thought it was.

Example of Thermal expansion

Prior to spending a few hours in the sun, my girlfriend used to look like Keira Knightley. Now she looks like Ashley Fink.

What’s the one thing you don’t want to hear when giving Willie Nelson a blowjob?

“I’m not Willie Nelson.”

A man was put in jail for talking out of his ass.

​ It was a bum rap.

An Imam and a Priest decide to build a school.

They are happy, it works well, both the Muslim kids and Catholic kids are happy together. But one day, the school is set on fire by a criminal. The imam and the priest run away but at some point, the priest says: - oh shit! The kids! The imam: - Fuck the kids! The priest stops suddenly and asks: - Now??

What did the dominant confectioner say to his partner?

Blow Pops.

A trans man went to his therapist and then a gender reassignment surgeon. To both of them he said the same thing...

I need to get something off my chest.

I asked my German friend, “Does Wagner start with a ‘V’?”

He said “ 9 W”

A large and powerful kingdom conquered their wealthy neighbor only to discover its treasure was all hidden away.

Only the count from the conquered kingdom knew where the gold was hidden but he refused to tell. The conquerors took him to the dungeon, placed his head on the chopping block, and told him: “This is your last chance! Tell us where the gold is or off comes your head!” Beads of sweat slithered down the count’s face but still he said nothing. The captain gave the signal, and the executioner brought his hatchet down, but just as he did, the count’s courage broke and he blurted out: “No! Wait! I’ll tell you where gold’s hid-“ But it was too late. The axe came down, off came the head, and no one got the gold. The moral of the story is: “Don’t hatchet your count before he chickens.”

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey.

But then I turned myself around!

NYT: Three-Quarters of Teenagers Have Seen Online Pornography by Age 17

The other 25% are lying little pervs!

Who wins

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present. “Who is the most obedient?” he asked. “Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?” Five small voices answered in unison. “Okay, dad, you get the toy.”

Layne Staley walks into a bakery…

“What can I get you sir?” asks the woman at the register. Layne points to a particular pastry and shouts, “I NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED THEM SCONES!!”