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During sex, my girlfriend yelled Hurt me! Hurt me!
So I said, “it’s a real shame Fluffy got run over by that car”
I’m learning sign language…
Not sure if I’m any good at it, but I never heard any complaint.
My Favorite NYC Irish Joke
An Irishman walks into a bar in New York City, and orders three shots of whiskey. The bartender sets them up, the Irishman drinks them, pays, and leaves. A few nights later, same thing: three shots of whiskey, pays, and leaves. This goes on for about a year, until one day, the bartender finally asks, “Hey- a few nights a week, you order the exact same thing. Do you mind if I ask why it’s always three shots of whiskey?” The Irishman smiles, and explains, “I immigrated here last year after I got married, but I left behind all of my family back in Ireland. So,” pointing to each shot glass, “this one represents my brother Michael, this one represents my brother John, and this one is for me.” He smiles wistfully, “it’s like we’re all together at the pub back home.” From then on, the Irishman walks into the bar, and he doesn’t even need to say anything; the bartender sets up the glasses, they chat a bit, and then he pays and leaves. This goes on for years. Until one day, the Irishman says: “just two shots today.” Obviously concerned, the bartender asks “oh god no! Are your brothers ok?! Did something happen to—“ “No no no! They’re fine! Just fine and healthy! I just gave up drinking!”
I get often asked what’s the difference between sleeping and dying
Well, your mother doesn’t die with me
A Calvinist is crossing the street whereupon they accidentally stub their toe on a rock.
They were predestined to stub that toe on that rock.
Are you familiar with the way of the sword?
Do you know how to hone one’s swordsmanship? You take a sword and you cut, and keep cutting every day, cut after cut after cut, until you cut only what you intend to cut without fail every time. And then when you are your best at cutting, you stop. You have no more reason to cut, and only cut when specifically intended. So basically, you devote your entire life to honing a skill to perfection only to use it as little as possible. What a load of bs, right? And pretty soon we’ll have AI swords that are programmed to calculate what it takes the swordsperson a lifetime to figure out in seconds, unbelievable! So anyway, there goes my backup plan, how was your day?
I quit my job at the toilet factory.
Because all they cared about was the Bottom Line.