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My girlfriend ran naked into our yard to see a tornado
It was just the clam before the storm
The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and says, "Can you make me one with everything?"
Good ole #344.
I was once walking down a street when.....
I was once walking down a street when I came across a beggar. So, I asked him would you like a crisp Rs 20 note or an old Rs 100 note. The begger replied that he would want an old Rs 100 note. Then I gave him the crisp Rs 20 note because Beggars cannot be Choosers
My grandma told me that the men of my generation are tasteless
I replied “That’s why the women of your generation never got their ass ate”
An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in
"Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!" "All of them?" he asks, putting down his rifle. "No, only one." He starts cleaning the rifle again.
Do you know which planet is the biggest in our solar system?
Jupiter know which one it is!
Our kid is always saying, “I want to be Batman!” or “I wanna be Spider-Man!”
So we dropped him off at the orphanage.
There was a serial killer who killed more people than Jeffrey Dahmer and never got caught
His name was Jeffrey Smahter
The recent testing of anti-slip technology by toilet manufacturers did not go as planned
Shit went sideways
A powerful Alien race from a distant planet finally comes to visit earth…
But soon they are horrified to see the how humans have polluted and destroyed the once green earth and pushed countless animals to extinctions. They become furious and calls up the top 3 powerful nations to face a challenge. Which, if they fail, will lead to the end of humanity as we know it. So after much discussion, the USA, China and Russia comes forward to represent the humanity. The Aliens call forth the Presidents of each nations to become the representative of this challenge. The mighty Alien’s challenge is simple, to produce as many offspring as possible of a near extinct monkey species of which only 3 pairs remain. The country that produces the least number of offspring after 3 years will become the loser and all their nation’s people die. So, each president receives one of the pairs of that rare monkey species and swiftly gets to work. 3 years passes by and the day of judgement arrives. A large stage is set for deciding the fate of humanity and millions of people from all over the world gather to see the outcome, while billions are anxiously watching it directly on their TV. As the time ticks to the deadline, the Aliens call the Presidents to show their result one by one. First, the American President rises up to show the result of their trillion-dollar investment. The president lands on the stage with his personal Air Force One fleet that is filled with hundreds of extinct monkeys. He proudly boasts their cutting-edge medical technology and years of zoological research that made it possible. The whole gallery bursts into cheer after seeing the outstanding result of the Americans. The Aliens are also impressed by the result and clap to the occasion. After that, the Chinese President marches into the stage with his endless trucks full of the extinct monkeys. Soon the whole stage is filled with hundreds of trucks with thousands of monkeys. Everyone including the Aliens are amazed to see such a result in such a short amount of time. The Chinese President grins and proudly boasts how they used advanced cloning methods to reach this outstanding result. While people of earth are ethically conflicted, the Aliens seemed to be pleased with the result and declared that only the numbers matter, not the method. And again, the whole stage gets filled with cheers. And finally, the Russian President drives into the center of the stage with his limousine. He gets out with only 2 baby monkeys on each hand with the original pair on his shoulder. He rushes straight to the Aliens with an irritated look on the face. The confused Aliens ask, “Are these 2 the only offspring you were able to make in the last 3 years?” The angry Russian President nods and the whole crowd goes silent. “Well then,” the disappointed Alien continues, “It seems that Russia is the clear loser of this challenge and will meet their doom now.” “You suka blyad!” the fuming Russian President finally speaks out, “Be fucking glad that I even squeezed out 2 fucking monkeys outta those 2 males you gave me!”