The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.
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I wasn’t close to my father when he died
Which was lucky, because he died to a landmine
What do you call it when a physician corrects your punctuation?
A medically induced comma.
My wife asked me why I kept telling her to walk in front of me at the airport,
I said “the person over the loud speaker said to keep my things in my sight at all times.”
I knew my grandmother loved animals when she was younger.
She told me the story of how happy she was to have found a vet to date (Before she met my Dad of course. ) and even though he said he was from a foreign country, he looked like he was from here. Anyway, after a few dates, she discovered, much to her disappointment, that he didn’t know anything about animals at all. I suppose they just didn’t have good universities in Vietnam.
I accidentally handed my wife glue stick instead of chap stick last week.
She still isn’t talking to me.
Hey gurrl can I see them knockers?
“Those knocker’s are mine!” “I’ll give you fifty bux”, “hey wait that’s a dick!?” “I said those knockers were mine”
Female patient: Jeez, I’d rather have a pelvic exam than have dental work done.
Me: Well, make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair.