The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.
New at better-not-say-it.com: Our hot joke section. Have fun laughing with our sensationally funny jokes:
My friend just…
Told me he wants to take over the world and install a racial hierarchy. He must be having a germanic episode
Stone.
Sam died and left $50,000 in his will for an elaborate funeral. As the last attenders left, Sam’s wife Rose turned to her oldest friend Sadie and said: “Well, I’m sure Sam would be pleased.” “I’m sure you’re right,” replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her voice to a whisper. “Tell me, how much did it really cost?” “All of it,” said Rose. “Fifty thousand.” “No!” Sadie exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but really… $50,000?!” Rose nodded. “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church for the priest’s services. The food and drinks were another $500. And the rest went towards the memorial stone.” Sadie computed quickly. “$42,500 for a memorial stone? Exactly how big is it?” “Seven and a half carats"
You have three small cups of soda and 20 ice cubes? How do you put an odd number of ice cubes into each cup of soda using all 20 ice cubes.
1 cube in the first cup, 1 cube in the second, and 18 in the third; because 18 is an odd number of ice cubes to put into a small cup of soda.
Three Soviet generals wager who has bravest soldiers
Soviet army organizes a large military exercise. Three high-ranking officers - an army general, a navy admiral and an air force commander watch the war games from an observation bunker, drink vodka and argue who has bravest men. They can not reach a conclusion, so the army general calls his troops and yells into a field telephone: "SOLDIERS! THE MOTHERLAND CALLS! YOU MUST PROVE YOUR BRAVERY IN DIREST SITUATIONS, SO YOU WILL NOW CROSS A REAL MINEFIELD OVER THERE AND TRY TO REACH THAT FORTIFIED HILL NEXT TO THE RIVER WHILE UNDER LIVE ARTILLERY FIRE! YOU HAVE TEN MINUTES TO DO SO!" The infantry yells "Yes, sir!" and runs over the minefield. Mines explode, wounded soldiers fall everywhere, but most reach the river and swim to the hill. Suddenly, artillery grenades begin to fall, limbs fly in the air, recruits drown, but about half of the soldiers reach the hill and raise a red flag there. "Meh, that was nothing," says the admiral, "you know, they were kind of brave, but common infantry soldiers are quite simple. They come from some village in Siberia, have no imagination, do not feel the existential dread that intelligentsia has to overcome to be really brave, yes? On the other hand, navy officers must be educated, have responsibility for their ships and hunderds of people, but still have to do tough decisions. Watch!" The admiral picks the field telephone and calls captain of a heavy cruiser: "CAPTAIN! RAMMING EXERCISE! YOU WILL NOW GO FULL THROTTLE TOWARDS THE BATTLESHIP ON THE HORIZON, RAM IT AND SINK BOTH VESSELS! YOU KNOW YOUR DUTY!" The cruiser accelerates, reaches the battleship and both ships collide. Ammunition explodes, everything sinks, bodies float in the water, but the Motherland has lots of people and lots of ships. "That was kinda brave," says the air force commander, "but there was still a chance of survival. True bravery emerges only when there is none." He picks the field phone and calls an airbase. A pilot answers. "Yessr?" "PILOT! WE NEED TO SIMULATE A PLANE CRASH. YOU WILL NOW TAKE A MIG-21, FLY INTO THE AIR, REACH HIGHEST POSSIBLE SPEED AND THEN CRASH INTO A MOUNTAIN. NO EJECTION, NO PARACHUTE! NOW!" The pilot answers: "Fuck yourself, sir. Not doing that." The commander grins, looks at the general and admiral and says: "See? THAT is bravery."
What do you call an elephant that is extremely racist?
​ Please tell me I NEED to know
why did the redditor smash their computer up
Because the jokes on r/jokes are always awful and suck ass
A Jewish kid asks his dad if he can borrow $50
The dad says “$40? What do you need $30 for?”
A Hispanic buddy of mine wants to open a brothel.
He wants to call it “Juan and Done.”
From my son, he is 5.
Son walks out of the bathroom with 2 tubes of toothpaste, 1 his the other mine: daddy, why does Tyler have 2 tubes of tooth paste. Me: I’m not sure, why? Son: Because Tylers is not paying attention. I’m sorry I lost it, his face just got me.
Have you seen what the Ukrainians have been doing with the Russian deserters?
They are all being directed to Crimea River