The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.
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leather quality ratings
Leather is “rated” based on its texture. Cows with abundant water sources typically have softer hides, rated “A”. But hides from cows living in hot, dry climates are typically D Hide-Rated.
Your mother is so fat
that she needs a telescope to read this joke if sits at a computer.
A cat was talking to itself about what it wanted for supper.
“That bird I had for breakfast wasn’t very filling - all feathers and no meat,” it said. “I think I’m in the mood for some rat. Yes, a nice plump rat would really hit the spot,” it drooled. As luck would have it, a huge rat walked by just at that moment. Must have been 4 pounds — practically a rodent of unusual size. The cat took one look and said, “On the other hand, I haven’t had salad in a while…”
This one sounds better when you say it aloud: What does Sean Connery’s favorite actress and favorite reptile have in common?
They’re both Dinah Shore.
Seafood for thought
A man went into a seafood restaurant and asked for a lobster tail. The waitress smiled sweetly and said, “Once upon a time there was this handsome lobster…”
Why did Santa get beat up by a teenage girl?
He accidentally put a lump of coal in Greta Thunbergs stocking
After Christmas dinner, you need to watch out on the streets, becaue the men are drunk
And the women are driving
A sad donkey
There was, at one time, a donkey who would never stop crying. His owner set out a notice asking people to make him stop. A man showed up the next day saying that he would make the donkey stop- easily. He goes up to the donkey and tells him something. The donkey starts laughing hysterically and the man goes back to the donkey’s owner asking for a reward. The owner gives him $100 as a reward and asks, “How we’re you able to make him stop?” The man responds, “That’s a story for another time.” However, after some time, the laughing of the donkey becomes incredibly annoying, and the owner once again wants to make him stop. The same man whom made the donkey laugh before comes back and goes up to the donkey again. He promptly drops his pants and the donkey starts crying again. The man pulls up his pants and goes back to the owner. Now the owner is really intrigued. “Now I have to know. How’d you do it?” The man responds, “Well, first I told him my dick was bigger than his.” “And then what?” “Then I showed him.”
I asked my grandpa why it takes him so long to pee. He said
The stream is buffering.
Why do Vampires make the same mistakes over and over again?
Because they are incapable of reflection.
Santa Claus and the Grinch were at the same Christmas Party...
When Godzilla showed up, it was no longer a party. It was a roit.