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Just before breaking up with them, I would treat all my exes to mani-pedis, massages, and give them some spending money.
Father always taught me to leave stuff in better condition than how I found it.
FDA finally approved the official Anal Condom...
The reason it took this long is because their wives only allowed them to test it on their birthdays and the tests were always abruptly cancelled.
A guy stopped me on the street and asked how to get to the psychiatric ward.
I said, "You used to be able to take your clothes off and run around a little while. These days the best way is probably to go protest child grooming at a school board meeting."
A guy goes to prison.
As the guard is taking him to his cell, all the inmates are cat whistling at him, winking, and shouting “see you in the shower princess”. The guy is terrified and swears to himself that he’ll never go for a shower. As the weeks go by he’s starting to smell real bad but he still refuses to take a shower. Finally after 2 months he can’t even bare his own smell no more, he decides that he’s gonna brave it and have the quickest shower he possibly can to avoid any interaction with other inmates. The showers are busy but there’s no going back now, he washes all over super quickly and the second he’s about to walk out of there a massive bloke appears from the steam and stands right in his way. He says… “Hello princess, I’ve been waiting for you 2 months… you know what’s gonna happen now so I’ve got one question for you. Do you want it with saliva or without?” Our guy went pale and his legs trembled underneath him. He knew he was fucked at this point so he figured out that a bit of lubrication will be less sore, so he says: “I, I gue…guess with saliva.” The big bloke looks happy with the answer. He turns to his mate and shouts: “Oi Saliva, come here. Our princess wants a threesome!”
I like my women
Like I like my shopping trollies Costing just €1 and thrown into the canal when I’ve finished with it
What did Mary say to Jesus that brought him up, then down?
You have the biggest dick out of all your friends
What is worse whan 3 newborn child in thrash can?
1 newborn child in 3 thrash cans.
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills
# For all who know/knew that poem of Rudyard Kipling’s, “If” **A delightful take-off!** **If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,** **If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,** **If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,** **If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,** **If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,** **If you can overlook when people take things out on you when,** **through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,** **If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,** **If you can face the world without lies and deceit,** **If you can conquer tension without medical help,** **If you can relax without liquor,** **If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,** **If you can do all these things,** **Then you are probably the family dog!**
Why do bees stay in their hives in winter?
Swarm. What did they bee say to his wife when they were running late for dinner? Hurry up honey.
What is the Beach Boys song "Kokomo" about?
All the places Donald Trump has bank accounts.