The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.
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Auto
John: "My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Plymouth." Dave: "Really? What did he get?" John: "Fifteen years."
The Internal Revenue Service: How to torture the public, Part 1:
26 calls to the IRS to resolve a simple problem...owe my wife and I $835.10 from 12/31/19. Pandemic mail lost and found. Does anyone care? Still an issue today. No communication, no coordination of effort, no consideration for the taxpayer; "customer." Same envelope had check and 1040-X, only 1040-X finally posted by IRS. Single column ledgers are ancient. I called at least 24 times, cannot resolve(?) OMG. 1) We are not customers, we are taxpayers! 2) Give them better hardware and software enabling them to solve problems. 3) HIRE ACCOUNTANTS as a prerequisite to be able to represent the IRS.
What starts with W, ends with T and has two letters in between.
Just stating the obvious.
What is the Best and Worst part of George Michael’s passing?
He’s never gonna dance again…
Genesis is sponsoring a golf tournament at the Riviera this week…
The difference between a golf ball and a Hyundai is that Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 300 yds without hitting a tree.
A monk, a nun and a priest all suddenly die in a fire and end up before God...
"You are all going to hell!" he announces. "As despite your dedictaed lives you still had sins you did not repent for! However, because of who you are I will allow you to choose your eternal punishment which is to select 3 different very terrible things that humans have experienced before under me each to happen to you constantly forever. The monk says: "To be ill with a plague, to be a slave and to live in darkness." He then teleports to hell. The nun says: "To be nailed to crosses, to walk for years in boiling hot land and drown in a flood." She then teleports to hell. And the priest says: "To always have beer, weed and hookers."
Three Men are captured by headhunters
The three men get brought before the chief of the tribe. He tasks them to venture out into the jungle with an escort and bring back 10 of a kind of fruit. Once they do that, he’d negotiate their release. The three men gladly accept and venture out and gather fruit as requested. The first man comes back with bananas. The chieftain explains that he must shove them into his ass without making so much as a sound or face. And he’ll allow him to live. The man proceeds to attempt, and grunts in pain pushing in the second one. He’s immediately executed. The second man comes, and the same deal is struck. This man brought grapes. He excitedly began, but burst out laughing as he pushed in the 8th one. The two men meet in heaven and the first asks the second. “Why the hell did you laugh?! You could’ve survived!” “I know, I know. But.. I saw Jim coming back with pineapples.”
Did you know the word “queen” first referred to the chess piece before the monarchy?
The royals adopted it, since a queen also needs the help of a bishop and a horse to mate.
I’ve got a conspiracy theory, and while it may seem crazy, all blind people can secretly see.
Open your eyes, people.
My belongings are like stars
I never put them in place, but I known where they are.