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Twelve priests were about to be ordained
The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell. Then all the other bells started to ring.
Me as a server in a restaurant: "Do you wanna box for the rest of this food?"
Guest says yes, so I start to put on my gloves
A British man and an American man get into an argument about which country is better
The American shouts, “The US is far superior! We have a more powerful military, a better government, and far better infrastructure!” In retaliation the Brit yells, “The UK is obviously better! We have much more beautiful cities, people aren’t starving on our streets, and the Queen is better than any leader you could ever dream of!” “Lies, all lies!” the American continues to shout, “All you Brits have the personality of that tea that you drink every second of the day, and your Queen is a worse leader than even Putin!” At hearing this the Brit gets very angry. He says, “How about we settle this once and for all! This Saturday at 8:00, behind the bar in old town! I’ll bring one of my mates, and we’ll see which country is better!” The American takes the bait. “I’ll bring one of my friends, but this is a fight that you can’t win, not even if you had every one of your Royal Guards here to bring me on!” So, at 8:00 the next Saturday the American brings his friend to the meeting place. His friend is a hulking 6’9” and is 270 pounds of pure muscle. However the British man was not there. After a few minutes the American sees a lone figure walking up the alley. As he enters into the light he can see he is the British man. Before he can say anything the Brit pulls out a gun and unloads into the American. He doesn’t stop firing until the magazine clicks empty. The American’s friend stands there shocked for a moment before saying, “He said this would be fight against you and your friend!” The Brit re-holsters his weapon. “Wrong,” he says, “I said I would bring my M8.”
My neighbor is very conservative
He said he only has 6 pairs of underwear and on the 7th day he flips the 6th underwear inside out to wear during laundry day.
good friend
what is the definition of a good friend.? . . . . . . . . . . . someone who goes to town and gets two blowjobs, comes back and gives you one.
As leader of the USSR, Gorbachev was allowed to conduct weddings
He liked to keep them brief: Gorbachev: You want to marry her? Groom: Ya Gorbachev: You want to marry him ? Bride: Ya Gorbachev: Then so be it. He was a master of the So-be-it union
What do you say to someone that accidentally had a wireless adapter implanted in their chest?
It’s not so bad. Wi-Fi tit?
Hollow Statue
An Italian immigrant finally makes some money after years of hard work. He decides to have a custom home built. As the contractor went over the plans with the man, the man described the details of each room down to the the colors of the walls. When they finally got to the front hallway, the man said “anda ina thisa niche I’m a wanna hallo statue”. Months went by until the final inspection came. Everything was in perfect order until they came to the front hallway. The man was very upset. He said “watta u dune ina hear”. “Where is mya hollo a statue?” The contractor explained “in the niche we have a very high quality marble replica of the Venus di Milo that was painstakingly hollowed like you specified!” The Italian man said “ no no , u no unnerstan. I wanna dat ting goes ringa ringa an I goa ‘hallo Is statue?’”
My wife gave me a handjob the other day using a Vaseline.
I came three times trying to wash that shit off.
An old nearly blind marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar
He sits down at the bar, squints through his old eyes, sees a woman at the end of the bar and gives her a wave. She sees the old man, lifts her arm and gives him a big wave back, revealing a very hairy armpit. The old marine says to the bartender “I’ll take a shot of whiskey, and send a shot to the dancer at the end of the bar.” The bartender asks “How do you know she’s a dancer?” The old marine says “Well who the hell else could lift their leg that high?”