The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.

There’s a new mob in town

They’re Jewish and calling themselves the Kosher Nostril.

My cellmates asked me I could choose: my money or my pressure.

Without knowing I choose my pressure. Before when I farted it sounded like Prrrrt. Now it makes Fuuuuuu.

My coworker is asking for donations for his charity marathon

But I’m afraid he’s just going to take the money and run

I was gonna take a trip to Bangkok...

But then I thought Phuket

i told Cinderella if she gets to the ball

She has reached too far down

Patient: Doctor doctor, ever since I had that vasectomy, there’s something wrong with my Coccyx

Doctor: What seems to be the issue? Patient: Well, the sicks used to be white but now nothing comes out.

What do you do when 31 domestic terrorists show up to cause trouble?

U-HAUL Them to jail.

A hooker picks up a guy at an NRA convention….

A hooker picks up a guy at an NRA convention. She tells him, “You can tell a lot about a guy from the taste of his dick. Rastafarian dicks taste like weed. Firefighter dicks taste a little Smokey. Had a farmer from Nebraska last night whose dick tasted like corn on the cob.” The NRA guy asked, “Well what does NRA dick taste like?” The hooker said, “I don’t know. Their ducks keep hitting my front tooth.”

Cop pulls me over

Says sir do u know y I pulled u over .. i said cuz i was speeding in the slow lane of a 4 way highway.. he said no u were drifting on a 1 lane back rd going thats a one way but u were goin the wrong way… i said ok I’ll drive in reverse an ill speed up …skirrttt

Did you hear about the Repo company whose boss has epilepsy?

Little Seizures

Seamus walked into the pub, sat down at his usual table...

...and proudly announced, “Drinks are on me tonight, boys.” His pals looked at each other, knowing that Seamus was very tight with his wallet. Michael spoke up, “Are ye OK?” Seamus clapped him on the shoulder and said, “Aye, Mikey, I’m just fine. Last night, while I was here with you lads, someone broke into me house.” Paddy said, “Yer joking! Did he get anything?” Seamus smiled and said, “Two black eyes, a busted lip, and a boot to the nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk.”

She values nuts.

She worked full time as a cashier at the local hardware store. She showed men what their nuts were worth, daily.

I wanted to tell a Chemistry joke…,

however thought that i wouldnt get a reaction… It was supposed to be a Sodium joke, but Na.