The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.
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As an endocrinologist, I have problems with pleasuring women.
I can’t even make a hormone!
Just found out that the Oscars is actually a big lie
Those people they invite to their ceremonies are all paid actors
Did you ever hear of actress Rita Tushingham?
She was in A Taste of Honey. She‘s white and in the movie, a black guy got her pregnant. When she went to the hospital, they gave her a white baby doll to practice with, and she ran out crying. “Oh the color’s wrong, the color’s wrong.” Many years later, she was in the scary movie Puffball: The Devil’s Eyeball (with that blonde bitch from The Crying Game). The director insisted she dye her hair red for the part. But dyed red hair fades out within a day or so. This frustrated Rita: “Oh, the color’s wrong, the color’s wrong.”
Do you know what grade sherlock Holmes was in when he solved his first case?
Elementary my dear!
A man buys a robot that slaps people when they tell a lie.
He decides to test it on his family at dinner that night. The man asked his son, "Son, what did you do after school today?" The son replied, "Oh, I just did some homework" and the robot slapped the son. The son said, "Okay I actually watched a movie with my friends". The father asked, "What was the movie?" The son said, "Star Wars, Episode 5". The robot slapped the son. The son stammered "Okay it was Showgirls". The father laughed, "Ugh, I would never watch movies like that". The robot slapped the dad. The mom laughed, "He certainly is your son". The robot slapped the mom.
The reality of dating....
Young kids use a dating app on their phone. Older kids use a dating website on their computers. Adults use a matchmaking service to get dates. Senior citizens meet potential dates at church events. Anyone older than that will have to resort to carbon dating.
I told my kid they were made from the best parts of mommy and daddy
Namely, our genitals
In order to help win their gang war, the Bloods in LA have started accepting the severed feet of their enemies as a form of payment.
They’re calling it Crip Toe Currency.
My teachers told me I would never amount to anything because I procrastinate to much.
I told them, "just you wait!"