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Did you know you need permission to fart while sitting down in Congress?
“Permission to address the chair”
Your mother is so fat
She was really depressed most of her life and died in her sleep at 50 of health problems after being a constant burden to her family. Her kids were following in her footsteps being overweight unattractive and heavily medicated, bullied mercilessly at school. Her husband isn’t nearly as fat but still depressed because he settled for a land whale because he can’t stand being alone, creeping on younger female coworkers to feel like he could trade up for a newer model, to no avail. He later committed suicide
How can a woman tell a guy is struggling while going down on her?
He asks for some chips to go with the fish.
Whenever my wife is upset I let her colour in my black and white tattoos.
Sometimes she needs a shoulder to crayon.
My wife, to our therapist: He always misunderstands simple questions.
Therapist, to me: What does she mean? Me: It’s a feminine pronoun,
Santa walks into a bar
A bearded jolly-looking fat white man in a red suit and with bandaged stumps where his hands used to be walks into a bar and orders a beer with a straw. "Who are you supposed to be?" the bartender asks. "Well I just lost both my hands in a freak sleigh accident last night," the man replies. "So I guess just call me Canta Plaus."