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To be a great prosecutor

You’ve gotta have conviction

A block of cheese...

is just a loaf of milk.

I like my women like I like my coffee

I don’t like coffee

what do pieces of shit use for boob jobs?

silicorn.

I’m sorry, I know this isn’t the place for it, but I don’t know what is, so does anyone recognise this joke?

So basically, an atheist, a Protestant, a Catholic and an orthodox Christian wake up in Hell and have to read through an entire Bible and can’t shut it else they get tossed into fire or something. The atheist is really angry and reads a particularly annoying verse and angrily shuts the Bible to begin ranting, before he can he’s tossed into fire. The Protestant reads their favourite verse and shuts the Bible with a delighted sigh, only to be tossed into the fire again. The Catholic and the Orthodox keep reading and then an angel comes down or something and frees them. The Orthodox then points to the book and reads ‘Let there be light’ the joke being that Orthodox read slow. I remember most of it, but can’t find it anywhere, so does anyone recognise this joke?

How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could Chuck Norris?

All of it

The Super Bowl Halftime Show

I loved the Super Bowl halftime show. My favorite part was the flyover by the Chinese balloon.

I used to be an Equine Sadistic Necrophiliac

But I was just flogging a dead horse.

Why did the well cross the road?

Well never know.

Why could I never date a baseball player?

Cuz they’re out of my league!

A racist man called me a terrorist for having long hair, a long beard, and being Middle Eastern.

Later I saw him at church giving a speech about how everyone needs a Middle Eastern guy with long hair and a beard in their lives.

Me: hi do you take walk-ins?

The morgue: what

How many turk to change a lightbulb?

Who cares? Ceiling collapsed.

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