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Since we’re doing Readers Digest…
This is a true story, and one that my dad submitted and had published in RD back in the early 80s. It takes place in the early 60s. I’m typing it here from memory. “My friend and I were driving between 2 rural Indiana towns during a winter blizzard when we ran out of gas. With only $5 to our names, we hiked a few miles or so to the nearest gas station to buy some gas. Upon learning that we didn’t have a Jerry can, the owner refused to lend us a can without a $3 deposit. So we bought $2 worth of gas, paid the $3 deposit, and prepared to walk back in the blowing storm. After looking out at the storm, the owner said, ‘It’s nasty out there… here, take my car’, and tossed us his keys.”
Duck stands before the judge. Judge says "why are you here?"
Duck "I was caught blowing bubbles in the lake your honor" Judge "thats stupid, case dismissed" Next duck comes in. Judge "why are you here?" Duck "I was caught blowing bubbles in the lake your honor" Judge "thats stupid, case dismissed" Next duck comes in. Judge "let me guess, you were caught blowing bubbles in the lake?" Duck "no your honor! I am bubbles"
Richard Gere shoves gerbils up his anus for sexual pleasure….
Chuck Norris uses porcupines
On the first day of basic training, a US Army drill instructor faced one of his recruits.
"Did anyone in your family serve in World War 2?" "Yes, Drill Sergeant!" the recruit replies. "My grandfather was a torpedo bomber pilot in the Pacific!" "Good, good," the D.I. says, then moves to the next man. "Did anyone in your family serve in World War 2?" "Yes, Drill Sergeant!" the recruit replies. "My great-uncle was a tank commander in Italy!" "Good, good," the D.I. says, then moves on to the next man. "Did anyone in your family serve in World War 2?" "Yes, Drill Sergeant!" the recruit replies. "My grandfather fought at Normandy!" "Good, good," the D.I. says. "Was he in the 82nd Airborne? The 101st Airborne?" "No, Drill Sergeant!" the recruit replies. "The German army!"
An Old guy sits at a bar and starts drinking...
...he drinks and drinks until he is quite drunk... Then a HUGE and very menacing looking guy enters the bar and sits next to the old drunk guy and asks for a beer... after a while the old guy turns to the huge fellow and spurts out: -"You know... I f*cked your mother" The bartender just freezes and looks over at the huge guy... he just looks at the drunk man and grunts as he understands its only an old drunk fellow mouthing off... But then the old guy says: -"yeah... i f*cked her, and i have to say, i also f*cked her up the ass!" The big guy ignores the guy, but looks a bit annoyed. The old guy turns around, and he seems to be overtalking, but he then says to himself clearly speaking so the big guy can hear him: -"you know what?? i just remembered, i also came in your MOTHERS FACE!!!" The big guys still says nothing... but is clearly starting to lose his temper... So the old guy yells "YEAH I F*CKED YOUR MOTHER UP THE ASS, CAME ON HER FACE AND I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE... SHE SWALLOWS!! THE DIRTY WHORE!" The whole bar is totally silent, and The big guy cant take it anymore, he stands up making his stool fall to the floor loudly, he turns over to the old guy and says "lets go home Dad, you are way too drunk..."
Why are the Pyramids in Egypt?
Because they’re too heavy to take to the British Museum.