The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.
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Dark humor
my son told me he wanted to be spider-man so i put him infront of an oncoming train with string, he is not getting up He is such a great little actor
Porn
The estate of Rodney Dangerfield has recently started a campaign against internet scammers. If the scammers don’t send Rodney Dangerfield’s estate money, they are threatening to send the scammers nude pictures of Rodney Dangerfield. No respect!
I just realised
I just realised that the word "You" feels like an Chinese name written in English lol
Its considered annoying to get a kink in your hose
Which is strange, because most people like kinky hoes
A horse had a life long dream of playing the guitar
So there was a horse, and this horse always had a dream of playing the guitar. So the horse calls up a music shop and he says, “Hey, I want to learn how to play the guitar.” The music shop employee goes “That’s great we’ll set you up for music lessons.” The horse responds “Well there’s one problem, I’m a horse.” The music store employee goes “That’s no problem, we have state of the art technology that can teach horses how to play the guitar.” The horse says “Great!” so the horse goes in to take his music lessons and in no time he’s proficient in playing the guitar. He’s out in his garage one day playing the guitar when his friend the sheep walks by, and the sheep says “That’s so cool, I’ve always wanted to learn how to play the drums, how did you learn to do that?” So the horse gives the sheep the number to the music shop and the sheep calls them up and says “hey I want to learn how to play the drums.” The music store employee goes, “Great we’ll set you up for some music lessons.” And the sheep responds, “Well, there’s one problem.” The employee says, “What’s that?” The sheep says, “I’m a sheep.” The employee responds, “That’s no problem we have state of the art technology that can teach sheep how to play the drums.” So the sheep goes in for his music lessons and quickly becomes proficient at playing the drums. One afternoon the sheep and the horse are both jammin out the horse’s garage when their friend the chicken walks by, and the chicken goes “That’s incredible, where did you guys learn how to do that?” They tell him about the music shop and the chicken goes, “Thats so cool, I’ve always wanted to learn how to sing. So the chicken calls up the music shop and he says, “Hey I want to sign up for vocal lessons.” The shop employee responds, that’s great what time are you free?” The chicken says, “Well, I’m free whenever, but there’s one issue.” The employee asks, “What’s that.” The chicken says, “I’m a chicken.” The employee goes, “That’s no problem, we have state of the art technology that can teach chickens how to sing.” So the chicken goes and takes his vocal lessons and when he’s done, the horse, the sheep, and the chicken all form a band. One day they’re jammin out in the horse’s garage when they decided to record a video of a song and upload it to YouTube. The song went viral. Soon enough they were a full on band and going around the world on tour playing their music. At the airport before one of their flights to the show location, as the plane is about to board, the horse goes, “I need to use the bathroom, I’ll catch up with you guys before the flight takes off.” Both the chicken and the sheep board the plane, but the horse took too long in the bathroom and missed the departure time. As the horse is waiting for a new flight, he finds out the plane the sheep and the chicken were on crashed and they both died. The horse being very understandably upset about losing his two friends decides to go into the airport bar and get a drink. He walks in and orders a vodka cranberry and the bartender says, “Why the long face?”
69 is no longer the name for that sexual position.
The cost of eating out went up, it’s now called 88.
A Cheerio sat at the bottom of a box of cereal,
but he longed to get to the top of the box. He had heard at the top of the box, there was a huge party, and he wanted to be a part of it. So one day, he began climbing. He climbed over the other Cheerios, and gradually got his way up the box. It took a lot of trying and determination, but eventually, he made it! He was so excited! And at the top of the box, there was the party, just like he had heard. He got to the dance line, and he danced. He got to conga line, and he did the conga. He got to the refreshment line, and ate refreshments. And he got to the punch line, but there was no punchline.
What do you call a huge German guy pointing a gun at you?
Whatever he wants you to call him