The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.
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Why does the academic want a wife with a highly promiscuous past?
He wants her to be peer reviewed
What happened to the Navy soldier who got caught masturbating?
He was dishonourably discharged for discharging dishonourably.
Why do pitbull owners call their dogs “Nanny dogs”?
Cause babies can’t get into any mischief once you’ve torn their limbs off.
People who continue to eat bread even though they have digestive problems with it.
Are a gluten for punishment.
Is Vinny at home?
Ralph knocked on the door of his next-door neighbor, Vinny. The door opened and there stood Rhonda, Vinny’s wife, a former world class stripper. - “Excuse me Rhonda, Is Vinny at home?” - “No, he’s out with his buddies.” Ralph could not keep his eyes off Rhonda’s tight tank top restraining her God given gifts. Ralph said, - “You know Rhonda, I always dreamed to see you naked, and I would pay $250.00 just to see your gorgeous breasts and $500 if you allow me to fuck you.” Rhonda replied, - “Right! Like you got $500.00 on you!” Ralph reached into his pocket and withdrew five crisp $100 bills. Rhonda looked left and right, saw the coast was clear, and said: - "Come inside you son of a bitch" and they proceed to the couch where he got what he wanted. After he was done, he smiled from ear to ear as he handed Rhonda the cash. A few hours later, Vinny came home and asked his wife how the day went. Rhonda said, - “Boring. Oh yeah, Ralph came by looking for you.” - “Did that son of bitch finally bring me the $500 he owed me from poker?”
A woman is working at a sperm bank
A man in a ski mask comes in, puts a cup on the desk and a gun to her head and says “drink this sample or I’ll blow your brains out” She goes, “no, I can’t, I can’t” He says “drink it or I’ll blow your brains out” She drinks it. He takes off the mask. It’s her husband. He says “that wasn’t so bad, was it?”
Ole and Lars went skydiving
Ole jumped out of the plane and pulled his ripcord. His parachute opened, and he started his gentle descent. Lars jumped out of the plane and pulled his ripcord. Nothing happened. He pulled his emergency cord. Nothing happened. Ole watched Lars plummet past him, and started undoing his harness. "So you wanna race, huh?"
You know I am a bit of a libertarian myself...
Fiscally, I am very responsible. Sexually, I am out of control! - shamelessly stolen from the TV show "Bored to death".
Mourning my grandfathers death hollacost
Today is my grandfathers death anniversary. He died in a consitration camp in Germany. He fell out of a watch tower.