The funniest jokes the internet has to offer.
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My family was furious at me for not worrying about my cousin who got the left side of his body crushed by a boulder.
I knew he’d be all right.
I’d tell you a story about my girlfriend and I taking down our Christmas tree
But it’s pretty sappy
Did you hear Andrew and Tristan escaped Romanian custody?!
Apparently the government didn’t account for bad Tates… I’ll see myself out
A lesbian couple announce they are going to have their first child
"But how can you get pregnant?" a friend asks. "Well first we go over health checks and have found we are suitable for pregnancy," says one mother-to-be. "And then we go over health checks in a sperm bank to find what sperm is most suitable for impregnation," says the other. "And then," says the first girl, "we go over more health checks to see how the sperm is inserted and we found it is safe for both of us." "But how do you decide which of you gets pregnant?" asks the friend. The couple look at each other and hold out one hand each. "Rock, paper, scissors!"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping in the woods.
They set up their tent and go to sleep for the night. In the middle of the night, Sherlock wakes Watson up. "Watson," he asks, "what do you see?" Dr. Watson looks up, blinking wearily. "Well, I see millions upon millions of stars." "And what does that mean?" "Well," Watson begins, pondering for a moment, "if there are millions upon millions of stars, then there very well might be millions upon millions of planets. If there are millions upon millions of planets, surely one or two of them has life. We may not be alone in this universe." "Watson, you idiot," Sherlock says, "it means somebody stole our tent.
What does my 12 year old pregnant daughter and her foetus have in common?
Their dad.
How to let it snow, any time of the year
Step 1. get bread Step 2. get laxative Step 3. mix them Step 4. go to the beach with laxative bread Step 5. spread the bread around the beach Step 6. watch sea eagles eat the bread Step 7. wait about 20 minutes Step 8. let it snow, let it snow, let it snow
I’m so sick of Leonardo DiCaprio dating jokes.
They’re all old by this point…unlike Leo’s gfs.